so soon.

i'll be safe, warm, home and in his arms.

the others have lost again.

i'm insane.

let's stick to the: "don't talk to boys." shall we?

clearly.

sigh.

you know,
it's messed up,
how things happen.
sometimes it's for a reason,
sometimes you see it coming.

this time,
i don't want you.
i'm not replying.
i'm doing just fine, thank you.

the boy downstairs hugged me.

i cry tonight.

exhaustion, filth... sigh.
i need a hug.

everything is on the edge,
the weather,
my bank account,
i can't help but fall.

"what she doesn't know, is that she has created the chaos herself" is whispered behind my back.

"I KNOW!, I KNOW!" I am yelling.

can't I just close my eyes and be September again?
come on, put all my cares away.

the rain

i feel like the world is giving up on me.

and by world i mean friend.

and by friend i mean best.

it's supposed to be a thriller.

during this dark, cold time, filled with change, confusion and joy, i can't help but think, life is beautiful.

it is what you make it.

i'm making it.

time to wear the dollar-sign glasses and stick my middle finger in the air.

oh boy.

my blood boils.

i heard you snicker
through the grape vine,
the "peanut gallery".

for that-

eat shit.


my pain is healed.
my last words are spoken.
and i'll have you know-

they pay my rent.

long distance.

I've had the urge to phone -him- recently. I say -him- like he's my Mr. big, or a god-like figure above any other because, well, it's true. No one will ever understand our love.

It's a dangerous thing to talk about, to write about and speak of.

Speaking of, we spoke late Friday night.

I had been reading his mind. It was time as we seem to be making it a monthly habit. Space: our best and worst.

At best, with our senses altered, we become one.
At worst, with our senses altered, we crave the best.

The TRUTH?
Oh, we ignore the truth.

It's ahead,
but it's not quite clear.

Perhaps it'll take us 12 more years.

bumper sticker.

I just got back from the testicle convention. I had a ball.

the last day of november.

So I’m sorting out laundry at the local mat when Holding Back the Years by Simply Red comes on through my earphones. I’m thinking whites, blacks and colors when all of a sudden, I get a little groovy. My hips and heals start to kick in tune, while the ever-so-sexy 80’s slow riff plays in the background. I start thinking, am I holding back the years? I’ve wasted all my tears, wasted all those years! Nothing had the chance to be good!

And then I come up with the brilliant conclusion that you know a boy really likes you when you’ve washed your sheets and he’s still the one who dirties them the next.

I now find myself “dating” the neighbor. Now at first, I thought to myself: "What?! This has happened?! This is a wicked arrangement! I’m busy and dating other boys! This is perfect! And somehow, after seeing him three times in under a week, I’m thinking: "Oh no! This is bad! I have a few days off! I’m horny! I’m bored! AND he lives downstairs! This is crazy! I can’t do this!”

I turned into this awful girl.

Then.
I smoked some weed.

Why is it that life seems all that more rational when you’re high?

I went for a walk- which really meant “I did my laundry.” Things cleared up. I passed by his house and shouted: “Because I didn’t love you!” with my inside voices to myself. I then switched over to a more upbeat song and skipped my way over to soapy suds. The name I just made up for the laundromat.

“Where do you go to do your laundry?”
“Soapy suds!"

Wow. Now I’m thinking impromptu dance party at our place tonight.

I want to call -him- and talk to -him- as a friend would. But I know i’ve got to keep my cool, after all that’s what has kept this relationship going.
SPACE! Weird: “Space Oddity” by Bowie just started to play...

I also just spaced out there for a minute because just for laughs gags was playing on the television at the mat. One of my favorite shows of all time.

It's started to really snow outside. It's so beautiful and it just makes me want to cuddle up to someone.



Oh-oh.

I think I fell in love again.

i quit, i quit, i quit!

don't give me that sheepish grin.
don't shake my hand.

i left you with a goldmine.
now leave me with mine.

why did i write you a thank you card?

¡ɯǝod uʍop ǝpısdn ǝɥʇ

¿ǝɯıɹɔ ɐ ʇɐɥʇ sı
'ʇ,uop ı ɟı
.ǝɯʎɥɹ 'ǝɯʎɥɹ 'ǝɯʎɥɹ

who was that?

you shrieked that kid-like-high-pitched-hello

i thought i heard something.

you said it under your breath.

i was flagged to walk ahead
and my eyes flinched.

i play this part
'cause you broke a precious thing of mine

it's so hard to hate you!

sears models.

first show, down.

to the beginning of something great!

i only see up from here.

life's supposed to be a film, life's supposed to be a thriller.

my ears ring as new lyrics sing the same song.
thank you davie street
you reek of familiarity
i need you.

i want to be alone,
but my thoughts are still ripe.
without a partner in crime, i am defeated.

everything has crashed down.
will anyone think of me tonight?

i am censored now. for (the) good.
time to keep my words to myself.

let's call it the element of surprise.

your kind.

is only out to hurt me.

make a noise.

it's about that time again...

you know, that time where i go crazy?

phoebe-booth'd

you're my best-friend.

sometimes i catch myself thinking of you more than i should, my mind is permanently guttered.

sometimes i wish i could just run to you
but we are still wearing moon shoes, somehow.

dear robot-

i haven't written about you for a long time. i want you to know that you were the first to inspire me this way. thanks for an entertaining day.

enmity.

daggers, were my eyes
agile, my feet

kill, kill, kill-
dance to the beat


you will never touch me again.

wanna play?

i am not ready for a relationship
but you are the perfect companion.
you need a friend
and i'm around the corner.
oh-oh, we're mildly attracted to each other.

try, make fun of me
i'll one up you quick.
you are not ready for a relationship.
leave me alone
i need some space
i like you
let's funk.
and repeat!


this is our game.

Those things.

While this may sound like the voice over for a Sex and the City episode, I figured I might as well start taking my own advice...


I am guilty. With a half-mended broken heart, I took him back. I am a warm-blooded, loving woman who doesn't know what's best for her. I am completely independant but also dependant of a companion in my life. I am sad that this void choses to remain silent and still. Why is it that I keep harmful things in my life? Why is it that I try to convince myself that harmful things will turn around? You can't change those things. No one has the power to control those things. Those things can end up controlling you. I for one, am no super hero when I am defeated. It'll never be like it use to be. Those things will never speak the truth. All that to say...


Don't ever tell boys you love them.

and i quote.

"it's so hard to be friends, because it was so easy to be lovers."

"i miss you. but i miss the 'you' that was 'us'."

sometime, this time.

it was sometime,
this time.

i remember .exactly. where i was.

queen street, dead end bar,
amongst circuit-working comics
and listening to the band.

to my surprise, ring ring.
Montreal was calling.


i was the happiest girl that night.

it was sometime,
this time.

where i was guided by music.
i rocked it out.
fingers in the air.


blissfully, i fell in love with you.

it was sometime, this time.
i probably pinched my ear.

pssst...

i want you back in my life.


...more importantly, my bed.

wear a helmet.

a tutorial.

I love a challenge. Telling me that I can't have the object of my heart's desire, is a sure way to light my fire of determination. Whether it's a new car, a corner office or a heavyweight boxing title...if i want it, i get it. That includes you. Once I am smitten, you have nothing to do but grab the roller coaster and hang on. I will take the lead in romance even if you don't want to follow. I am an ardent creature and a baby at heart. Like a curious toddler, I must explore, touch, taste, smell and nibble everything that catches my attention. And be warned, whether animal, vegetable, or mineral, everything captures my attention.

I pride myself on always being prepared for disaster. If only I could realize that I am the disaster, life in the Universe would be much calmer. When I am angry, the whole neighborhood knows. I endlessly throw down gauntlets, dig up causes to fight for and make enemies out of hapless friends and relatives.

I persue the object of my desire with all the grace of a steam-roller. I am demanding, thoughtless, impatient and could be prone to temper tantrums until I'm too old to throw myself to the ground. I will try and win your heart by sheer force of will and I am capable of pulling outrageous stunts to prove my love. But, remember this, as soon as I taste the thrill of conquest, your lust appeal will start to wane and I am likely to stop calling. In a week, I won't remember meeting you in the first place.

I get off on an adrenaline rush. I'm a sucker for the I'm-not-so-sure-I-want-you game. Saying no to me is like pouring gas on a grease fire. I tend to be attracted to successful people. I don't do modesty and won't notice you if your come-on is understated, quiet or shy. To intrigue me, you must not be afraid of blowing your own horn, patting yourself on the back and/or dropping not-so-subtle hints of negotiating big deals. Yet on the other hand, if you need to be rescued, straightened out, sobered up, or have an enemy crushed, I am also your woman.

I am attracted to the color red.

I am dynamic, sexy and generous with my affection. What this really means is everyone gets a piece, whether wanted or not. Love and casual sex are dangerously close to synonymous phrases. I have the most-notched headboard and the least-used sense of direction.

Can a normal person like you find happiness loving a naval-gazing troublemaker with an erogenous zone attached? Absolutely. Remember, I am a baby. I love to be cuddled, coddled and throw tantrums. So, if you intend to stick around longer than a quickie or two, understand that to me, fighting and screwing are equally arousing.

I am not someone who sits still for very long and I have a lust factor of ten. If I happen to find myself in something committed, you can guarantee you'll be bowlegged. Your friends will be jealous of that perpetual smile on your face.

I love a good scalp massage.

I thrive on undivided attention and adore all the blatant trappings of romance. Moonlight and roses, candle-light and wine, dinner for two. I am also very emotional.

I fall in and out of love faster than a ten-dollar hooker.

I am full of ideas, plans and dreams. I am determined to succeed, have no qualms about trying different paths to achieve my desire and am suprisingly good at just about everything I try. If you listen enthusiastically, be sparing with your criticism, and act appropriately wowed, you will have no trouble keeping me.

I will defend my lover to the death and have an unbridled zest for life that is nearly impossible to resist. Even if I have had my heart broken a few times, chances are I will never lose that optimistic faith in true love.

tag.

my foot was in
a tentative deep-
but the water shook me cold.
i took a breath
stood up,
and looked ahead,
what did i behold?

there he was...
in close distance
blurred
selfish
and still immature.
he laughed
he danced
he haunted my dreams
without me he was for sure.

but there you were...
with open arms
scared
hurt
and badly burned
you cared
you called
you held me tight
you were what i had earned.

yes.
things are clearing up in sight.
we're twins
with no rush in winning
this uncontroled game.
it's so much fun.

i wish i was with you tonight.

security blanket.

it's a sad thing, this blog.

it contains a mixture of memories, inspired by moments that took my breath away.
most of its' contents come from deep within the bottom of my heart
as it is the pillow to my tears, the shoulder to my head.

the pain i have felt, i sit and type to describe.
yet no one really knows, but i.

it was not created as a cry for help
or a boost for my ego.
it is only for certain eyes.
some may stomach,
some are curious-
some may even laugh.

if you've read this far...
i love you.
i've written all of this for you.
i want you back in my life.

but

"i'm not fine, i'm in pain.
it's getting harder and harder everyday."

leaving me out in the cold has built me to hate.

i make you scared?

could it be these words?

probably.

if you only knew...

red light.

not so fast-

stop creeping into my thoughts.
get out of my head.
i need sanity.

i thought i'd be able to go through with this but
you've left me wounded and scared.

how dare you?

housewarming!

friday, june 22, 10pm.


ROBOTS VS. DINOSAURS PARTY.

mirror, mirror...

Queen: Slave in the magic mirror, come from the farthest space, through wind and darkness I summon thee. Speak! Let me see thy face.

Magic Mirror: What wouldst thou know, my Queen?

Queen: Magic mirror on the wall, who is the fairest one of all?

Magic Mirror: Famed is thy beauty, Majesty. But hold, a lovely maid I see. Rags cannot hide her gentle grace. Alas, she is more fair than thee.

Queen: Alas for her! Reveal her name.

Magic Mirror: Lips red as the rose. Hair black as ebony. Skin white as snow.

river deep.

reaching for a colourless stream
that runs parallel to love,
our hearts crave the same
but they belong to someone else.

on the darkest nights,
i cry for you
he cries for her
yet with him,
i never float alone,
or ashore.

test the waters.
is it safe to dip your feet in yet?
we can't sink any further
the river is deep
our hearts, heavy.

sweet dreams to him.
inspiration will guide us.

the invisible letter.

i thought about mailing a letter,
to your name it was addressed.
no numbers,
no stamp,
in the box it would be placed.

i wondered if someone would save it...

would they understand the urgency it'd have?

i've lost you
close to completely.
a sense of triumph,
for you-
i'm sure.

i'm begining to think,
nothing will make you speak.
and i know
i don't have anything else to say.
you broke my heart.
so please, please, tell me
why?
why do i love you more and more each day?

i fold. you win.
the last word is yours!
as "wrong fit" continues to loop
in my head, like chimes.
i disagree-
look at this!
right fit, wrong time!

how are you?
where are you?
are you still in love with me?

wish you were here.

"so sorry.

i'm sorry, two words
i always think after you're gone
when i realize i was acting all wrong
so selfish, two words that could describe
old actions of mine when patience is in short supply

we don't need to say goodbye
we don't need to fight and cry
oh we, we could hold each other tight
tonight.

we're so helpless
we're slaves to our own forces
we're afraid of our emotions
no one, knows where the shore is
we're divided by the ocean
and the only thing I know is
the answer it isn't for us
no the answer isn't for us

i'm sorry, two words
i always think after, oh you're gone
when I realize I was acting all wrong

we don't need to say goodbye
we don't need to fight and cry
no we, we could, we could hold each other tight
tonight...
tonight...
tonight...
tonight..."

news feed.

is he there yet?
is he as happy as can be?
is he safe?
is he warm?
is he at all missing me?

i don't know.

i don't know anything
anymore.

a jab to the heart.
holding onto the last bit-
should of deleted it from the start.

it's poison
it's a curse
a silent game
i can't bare to play

he's still around.
he looks happy.
he's safe.
he's warm.
he's not missing me.

a jab to the heart.
a jab to the heart

one more jab to the heart.

he just couldn't stay away.

the perfect remedy is ahead
disconnecting...
we'll both be out of sight
ironic...
i'm not trying to fight.

empty house, hands clean.
body + soul = free.
i was dancing, i think.
& you creeped in,
at that moment-
took control of me.

i almost wrote,
i almost spoke,
tears had me choke.

i'm scared
i'm alone.
i'm a child.

vulnerable here,
powerful there.
have you heard the news?

i curse technology
for it's evil deeds
this cat is killed
she meows for you.

the vacancy sign
flickers in my heart-
no man will ever
put out the fire
these eyes
burn for you.

i'm not pleading.
i'm not even trying to write.
i'm suffering.
sinking.

craving your arms tonight.

why is it?

that you seem to understand life so much more in the restless hours of the night?

that you go through a series of bipolar emotions and then look back on them only to laugh?

that you realize things you couldn't quite grasp in the moment but then have them heal with time?


we constantly use this word... time.

we try to focus on where we'll be,
we're confused about what the fuck is going on.
we consume ourselves and lose some of it.
i have no idea what time it is.

i'm not ready to talk to him.
that. will take a very long time.
the finger stays... because i'm bitter.
this is not who i am,
but i am healing.

i get it. i truly get it.
these are my years to come.
time spent with myself.

fuck

you.

game on.

days seem like weeks
race you to the finish line.

i lay in bed tonight
pretending my hand is yours
as it tickles me right
your face is madly blurred.
i dream you sitting,
drinks in hand
up at the bar,
or listening to the band.
relish the glory, well deserved
good show tonight!
he was great!
they've said, i heard.

that straw played games
with your lips.
as i slyly made it sway with
my movement of hips
your fingers held glass so tight
as flashes of us
returned to sight.
another drink please?
i cast one more until he calls.
he won't call
he won't cave.
we both know
our love was a game
two fools couldn't play.

running on hope and despair-
i'm loosing this game to a careless hare.

and he's terrible at goodbyes.

heart brake.

as you become less and less a man
they follow.

as the days go by and by
i swallow.

this is the only place where
words will surface again

it'll be what i want to write
because i can write
whatever i want to write
i'm selfish like that.

as careless as you are right now,
wherever you are.
i'm catching you in your tracks
i worry like that.

these eyes will haunt you-

remixed.

when the fear sets in,
in the next reprise

think to yourself-

the girl you love
couldn't dry her eyes.

awake.

all this time
i thought i was someone special.

all this time
i thought certain things were
for me alone.

i am a grand fool.
to think such selfish things of you.

i am not nearly what you are to me.
and it kills me inside.

i am more than a just woman
who passes by in your life.

my heart deserves to be kept by a soldier,
not a boy.

no matter.

no matter what happens
no matter where we are
no matter how long it takes
no matter how hard it is-

i'll always be your backpack.

i'm so excited-

i made a playlist.

fossil fusion.

i could say it
once more

to reinforce.

but he knows
that i know

for old times' sake,
i want him home, now.

detrimental.

i'd do anything to go back to hillside right now.

my first movie.

open house!

you•just got the notice. your roomate is leaving in two months. he/she has decided to follow the 'almost married' lifestyle and you just need a change. you've been aking to work on your stuff, spend time learning about yourself and perfect your craft. you'd like to live in a positive, creative environment, but you'd also like to meet cool, new people. (or something similar to this analysis)...

us• creative, witty, artistically-inclined individuals (one male + one female), who are devoted to their love of... (music + acting + comedy). we are looking for a third roommate who is driven, tidy, easy-going, like-mided and willing to compliment the already fruitful and symbiotic relationship within this fantastic apartment.

the room• is unfurnished, very spacious (11.5 ft x 13ft) and has an okay-sized closet. there is opportunity to paint and decorate anyway you like, infact, we strongly encourage it. (note: this also applies to other rooms in the apartment)

choosing a suitable roommate hasn't been easy, because, yes... we are selective. but it doesn't mean you shouldn't apply. especially if you have an inkling.

we're kind, generous, social, likeable people who need to find someone before March 15th.
MOVE-IN DATE IS MAY 1, 2007.
so jump on this!

there are no preferences as for a male or female roommate and we already have (1) awesome/semi-retarded cat... so please keep that in mind.

if we've sold you on us, here's more about...

the apartment• we're on bloor st. west, at the corner of BLOOR and BRUNSWICK. we have a spacious, trendy, 3 bedroom pad overlooking the green room (yeah, we're one of those patios), there is hard wood flooring, an orange kitchen, good water pressure, no in-house laundry, some dust bunnies and a gas stove (which is included as well as the heating). all other utilities are not included. we are to discuss land line and cable needs, if there comes a point in time.

it's smack in the annex, so you have less than a minute walk to access 24H grocery stores, bloor/younge subway lines, used-cd/book stores, sushi, thai, indian, shawarmas, the bloor cinema, lee's palace and of course... the green room.

should we say more?

we will be holding an open house on wednesday (3-7pm) and sunday (1-6pm) of this week. this will give you the opportunity to meet both of us and check out the place. all should attend!

please email us, if interested.

cheers and good luck!

may the best candidate find us.

your new roomies + phoebe (the cat).

i have...

to the finish line!

i was weak tonight,
for the first time.
counting down days
in this state-
my imagination runs wild.

we're sedated, haha.

i want to be in that place
at that point in time
where i can hold your face
and you, mine.

let's share our days.


signed,

luv sic.

awesome.

grasp it.

every time i drive by, i extend my middle finger
with hatred, misunderstanding and confusion.

it's never been this un-friendly before.

next tuesday.

peter: "forget them, wendy. forget them all. come with me where you'll never, never have to worry about grown up things again."

wendy: "never is an awfully long time."

we

deserve all of this.

bad blood.

there are creatures.
persuasive creatures-
lurking in this world.
we can befriend them,
oddly, we want this
but we must beware
and begin to question.

they WILL
walk on,
betray
and defeat you
without game.

they ARE
self-centered,
shallow
and completely
disrespectful
without shame.

i am related to some,
i am ''friends'' with some,
i am not one.
let's see how success handles that.

dirty thoughts.

too dirty for public eyes.

tell 'em hawksley:

"it's never very hard stayin' true
when i'm stayin' true to you
and your kisses are all i think about
the proof is in your moves and your grooves
and the little things you do
and the silly things you laugh about.

all the ways you never ever had
i want, i want you bad
you know i'll never make you sad
i want you bad, i want you bad."

hereis nowhy.

damn can he ever make a mean mixtape.

thank you for smoothing the ride.
kick, push, coast!

jesus camp

ironic.
all i kept saying was

"holy shit!"
"jesus christ!"
"oh my god!"

is highly recommended.

tomorrow night.

lovely.

@ the tranzac you will find me.
eyes and ears glowing.

with you.

the fern side of things.

you called to say you'll be in town-
you claim to know where i'll want to go.
you'll make reservations,
spoil me to the nines,
but
would you come see a show?

i love this man.
for he's a generous man,
a loving man,
traits that have become my faults.
he's proud
so proud,
with every right to be
i am, who i am,
because of him.

i wish he was here
more than once a year
to see
me grow,
me change,
me become,
then he'd really know where i want to go.

this is my life,
this is my home,
these are my friends.

i've cried here,
i've loved here,
i've even built a castle.

i don't need money,
i don't need help-
sure... sometimes advice.
those don't matter,
don't count,
when all i want
is for you to be a part of my life.

busy, busy, busy.

the mix tape.

side a:

thank you- by the redwalls
everything- by alanis
at last- by etta james
life is a highway- by tom cochrane
scared- by the hip
throw your arms around me- ben harper & eddie vedder
do you realize?- by the flaming lips
anything- by fiona apple

the b side:

should i recluse?- by the brains
should i speak?- by the reactions feat. my mouth
should i fight?- by been there, done that
should i weep?- by every night and the alones
should i blink?- by missing (live at the moment museum)
should i shake?- by him and the hands
should i still believe in faith?- by heart


i must release. i must. i must!
my heart is burning an uncontrollable fire.
but you
could of fooled me.

tick tock.

shivering thoughts collide
one after another
as dirty snow enters my shoe
i need winter boots-
pace, pace, pace, little legs.

i am a misguided dreamboat
wrecklessly floating on a stream of tears.
i am flawless to some, cryptic to others,
the charm helps me steer.
my open book has no arrows, no signs ahead,
for i can believe,
i can create,
i can pretend.

more than ever, time is shrinking
turns for the better
turns for the worse
i am scared.

i don't want to grow up faster than i already have.

border flatlined.

i want to think i am a woman of many complexes
but, i am easier than fingerpaint.

angst and pain will be revisted again,
my best work, they say.

central park.

i love you.

oh, and hello 2007.