despite all my rage.

sometimes, i catch myself lost-
overlooking a maze
with me as the frantic rat,
you as the exit.
i am
confused,
nervous,
disoriented,
devastated, even.

i sleep at odd times,
in odd places.
i'm dehydrated, sick-
food has lost its' power.
there's other rats in here,
but they all stink.

'where am i going?'
'when will this end?'
'how did i get here in the first place?'

i wish i could tell the guys upstairs
i don't want to be a rat.

they challenge me by adding obstacles,
unknown routes and funky medication.
the others come up to me-
inspired and ask:
'where do i go from here?'
i say follow your heart
but i am a liar-
for i have followed my own advice and it has led me back to the start.

it's an addiction-
i've tasted it.
i crave it,
and the high extends my happiness.
i'm altered, in a haze
daydreaming of something so real.

i question whether i'm the rat, or the exit.
it must be the drugs.

each week i push.
i fight.
i dress up with silly hats...
in hopes to finish with a BANG!
if life's like the movies
i'll get there one day
and there will be a banner waiting.
but until then,
i'll remember the turns i took,
the bits of clues gathered along the way
and how good it felt to be free with you.

the exits there.
but if it doesn't speak, it doesn't help...

i might as well stay a rat forever.

i don't understand it.
if it would only reach out to me.
this isn't an end. it's a new beginning.

i deserve that exit
i'm adorable.