private.

open!
for the world to see!
is me-
gather round
come near.
nice to meet.

excuse me for i have work to do.

it does not include you.
it does not exclude you.
it's my only therapy.

feet sunken in cement
arms wailing recklessly, i vent.
i hurt.
i want them to know.
all that i know.
of things, of you.

i am an
army of one
defeated-
yet again
by words. your words.

did i dream you loved me?

cut. take three
will you be there tonight?
i'm high as shit.

yay.

i'll be performing. for a living.
i'll be surrounded by kids.
i'll be out on the open road.

i stuck it out this long and it's about to pay off.
this is just the beginning- of no more dicking around.

partial closure.

last night we smoked the moon.
as you were frolicking close by.
i thanked the red door for being my seatbelt.

we spoke like old friends
of love and loss.
my story- mimicking hers
she stood there,
with ears wider than before
for this time
was my first time.

she knows me
she loves me
she's hurt to see my pain.
but she's convinced
from this
that i will better
that i will gain.

i poured my heart
into a bucket
that continues to accumulate.
our friendship
could never be replaced.

he slid in like a fox
the door scared me still
'i'm heading out again' --
somewhere unsafe.
i sensed, i confronted.
he'll protect me,
he said.

if you only knew
what i now think of you...
how real perspectives were placed...
how sad i am to have previewed
the next chapter of our story.

you'll be partially erased.
for a disclosed amount of time.
from sheets,
from sightings,
from heart,
from mind.

it's the hardest thing for me to do.

you won't read this
you won't know
you won't feel.

because i am already away from you.

figured out.

finish...........................soul mates?...................................................
.....................................^><^...........................................................
...........................1st love.......long lost friend....................................
............................^......................................^...................................
...home girl/boy.........companion.......new love.....< bosom buddy....
..................^.................^..................^.......................^.....................
........bosom buddy......love.....< soul mate >............soul mate..........
........................^..........^...........^..............................^.......................
.......................two-timer.........companion..........< new friend...........
..........................^....................^.................................^.....................
.................soul mate >1st love............................new love.................
...................^...........................................................^........................
.........soul mate...................................broken hearted< connection....
.............^.......................................................................^..................
start.....connection.....................................................1st love............

**need i say more?

for the robot.

i think i actually understand him.

it could be because i'm listening to the stars.
it could be that i'm reading all the things i wrote for him.
it could be because i keep thinking we'll run into each other.

he's kept his word.
he's cleansed himself of me.

he'll be happy, because he deserves to be.

i was unfair to him.
when the serious pans over;
he's there,
mocking me,
saying 'i told you so.'

i knew it wasn't him.
his heart had been torn to shreds.

i'm wearing his shoes now.
and i see it all in my head.
played out like a screenplay
no lodestar in sight.

sometimes i miss his oddities.
but sometimes i miss the others too.
it must be because they cared once before.

i think of them.
but you'll be the king of all.
and there are very few.

i pity the next.

i should really sleep.
a girl like me shouldn't publish these things.
i really am a super hero, i swear.

no z's.

i can't sleep- i'm nervous and excited.
so much new is about to happen so quickly.

i need this.
to pretend i'm okay.
to go on distracted like you.

she said she wanted for you to see the tears i cried last night.
i wish you could have seen many things.

when it rains, it pours.

thank you karma..
for bringing me wonderful distractions to ease the pain.

not so digging it.

i'm beginning to understand what love is all about.

it isn't about the progression of the relationship between two people...
it's about timing.

and that's sad.


++++++++++++
Dido, amongst others, has enlightened me today:

"i will go down with this ship,
and i won't put my hands up and surrender.
there will be no white flag above my door.

i'm in love and always will be.

when we meet-
as i'm sure we will..
all that was then,
will be there still.
i'll let it pass,
and hold my tongue,
and you will think
that I've moved on."

i'm digging it.

'every day is saturday night, but i can't wait t'ill sunday morning...'

sniff, sniff.

i had over seven days of nothing last week. i sat around and twiddled my thumbs.
bored, i was.
content with the changes in work, yet, still unsatisfied. what to do? how to save? where to start? would of been the perfect time for a virus. but no, today is the day!
i lay in bed, coughing, sneezing, aching... there is no day until monday to do this.
hey, body? could you put yourself on pause for a while?

i just want to be held.