yep, uh-huh.

this weather is driving me insane.
it's cold.
it's lonely.
it's depressing.

fall brings the most change. funny how our bodies and lives connect to nature. i've been hibernating like a bear, under my dirty sheets, wishing the sun would shine down on me. wishing you'd join. i've cleansed myself of all the bad and harmful things an exhilerating summer created. or so i think i have.

i dislike my hormones and the fact that i am a woman today.
you did good. i would have been a mess.

i should have known by the way you took me in.
i'll have to be patient.
this time.

i want to kiss you in 155 places so that i can go swimming around in your head again.
i want to play in your hair.

why did i listen to the cops?

all dads grow beer.

what a strange evening that was.

times of change...

let's recap on what happened in the past few weeks... shall we?

i got fired from my desk job.

...while it was a tiny jab at my 'working ego'... it's also been incredibly liberating, refreshing and inspiring.

i don't know what day of the week it is.
i wake up late, take naps in the afternoon and have the time to strum on my dusty guitar.

i've been indulging in all things that make me happy.

i never wanted to be confined to a cubicle or a lifestyle that wasn't me. i kept convincing myself that money was more important. that paying back my debt what was HAD to be done before I could have fun again. that was the worst thing i could have told myself. everything was going to work itself out. even if i didn't have god damn benefits... i was still going to find a way to pay rent at the end of the month. i wanted to be unstable, working odd jobs and living the life of a starving artist. that's how my juice flows. i let that show in my work, and probably made other people feel horrible for having settled for twenty some odd years. there's a level of respect that's unspoken here.

i'm just a dreamer. sometimes i confuse my ambitious dreams with reality... i outplay a situation in my head so much that i end up convincing myself better things are on their way. and they are. i can sense them around the corner. but someone had to do the dirty work. my contract had to end... and i appreciate the understanding that i wasn't the right fit. i've just never been fired before...

things are looking up in the financial and job departments, ironically. i guess with all bad things come a few good ones. i'm excited to be kelly osbourne again.

i've also fallen into a category i never thought i'd be a part of. the category of people who stay home to watch their favorite tv shows. studio 60 on the sunset strip is phenominal. it's sexy, it's edgy. it's matthew perry. it's introduced me to a whole new perspective on television.... it's OKAY to love a tv show. i just never thought i'd be THAT hooked. even the bachelor I couldn't keep up with. I have a hard time dedicating a day a week for work, let alone a tv show.

who knows what will become of me when 30 rock airs.

i'll probably become a hermit.


_______________________________
sometimes i think i'll be okay.
sometimes i know i am.
we're so bad
we can't stop.
we're horrible at this game.
on nights,
when i feel like a sore loser-
i fall back on the way you said i was beautiful the other night.
the passion in your eyes.
i smile
and think to myself,
i'll never be lonely with you in mind and heart.

new.new.new!

demo dvd, auditions, serving, moving to chicago!

as a side note-
you might want to redirect yourself to drove-to-chicago.

...starting October 2nd, 2006, you'll be able to view/read a photo blog of my road to the windy city.

it will be 543 days of counting pennies, gut-wrenching worries and unknown discoveries.

everyone asks... why chicago?

it's simple.

the ferris wheel.

saturday.

something happened.
and this time, i think it really scared you away.
please, please, please. i beg of you.
don't let me fade away.

grrr

i get angry every now and then. at myself, at others, at you. i start to think this game isn't for keeps, or fun. it's for pain, for lust, for use. i can't help but wonder what? went? wrong?

i miss you. come back, from the start we'll play, okay?
i'm angry i fell in love.
i'm so angry i chose you.

like a crushed little school girl. look at me, running to my blog.

i'm still pretty fucking cool though.

they watch me with their hawk eyes
i'm the prey that wandered too far.

the time has eaten them up
like wrinkled old neighbours
complaining about the noise,
they've got nothing better to do
but pick on me.

as a result of their unhappiness
i fear i may be out looking for another job soon.

HELP!

your foot's on a box,
your phone keeps going off,
sit up,
don't slouch,
put your hands on your head,
speak with an empty mouth,
stop blowing bubbles in your chocolate milk,
no more jumping on the bed,

get out.
get out.
get out.

i can't do this any longer. i'm killing valuable time and braincells.
ouch.

when there is nothing left to burn...

you have to set yourself on fire.

I never thought I'd give rotation to that album again. It brings me back to a series of memories I'd rather forget. Silly how, right now, it mends me and my heart somehow.

I kind of enjoy diving my head into lyrics and songs. From my younger days of dancing to Phil Colin's 'Susudio' to these now uplifting, inspiring years of indulging in GOOD music... I've realised that every moment of my life has a soundtrack. Whether it be good or bad.... Here are some examples:

1) (Michael Bolton: Time, Love and Tenderness) Brings me back to those dress-up birthday parties I use to have, where my mom filmed my girlfriends and I trying to be superstars. We'd take out the treasure chest of old costumes, amplify our womanly features and put on some of my Dad's Cds. I really miss that basement right now. And that big beige comfy couch.

2) (Anything Jackson 5) Brings me back to when my neighboor Phil and I use to host our very own radio station. We'd sit on my front porch with his only cassette and disguise our voices as special guests. Callers would phone in with the help of a 'saved by the bell' portable toy phone. We were the coolest kids on the block.

3) (Michael Bubble: It's a New Day) Christmas 2005. The 495 fire, and rebuilding after the fire. What a hard time it was.

As I gather moments and experiences, the soundtrack just gets bigger. But there's one song in particular that keeps coming back. This time, I felt it more than ever. I loved. For the very first time, I loved.

"God that was strange to see you again
Introduced by a friend of a friend
Smiled and said 'yes I think we've met before'
In that instant it started to pour,
Captured a taxi despite all the rain
We drove in silence across point champlain
And all of the time you thought I was sad
I was trying to remember your name…

This scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin
Tried to reach deep but you couldn't get in
Now you're outside me
You see all the beauty
Repent all your sin

It's nothing but time and a face that you lose
I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose
I'll write you a postcard
I'll send you the news
From a house down the road, from real love…

Live through this, and you won't look back…
Live through this, and you won't look back…
Live through this, and you won't look back…

There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave
You were what I wanted
I gave what I gave
I'm not sorry I met you
I'm not sorry it's over
I'm not sorry there's nothing to say

I'm not sorry there's nothing to say..."

I'm daydreaming again. That's all I'm doing. Either i'm in disbelief or I'm lost up in a cloud, face down, eyes burning from my self-inflicted wounds. My sentences begin with 'I don't know'. I don't know where to go, to begin, what to do.

I'm so emo. But that's not just because of you.

So I've packed my bags and I'm going where comfort takes me. Irrational or not.
It's no longer in toronto.

bored