day 2

today i walked greenwich village
snapped shots of familiar dreams
'86'ed it
chumley's-style
sat where albee did.

famous titles.

i want to write the greatest song of all time.
i want to play all the instruments in the world.
i want to sing the catchiest refrain you've ever heard.

quarter to eight starts now.

for the robot. (x2)

i emailed you today.
it was your birthday.


i'm too much of a good person.

episode 2.

it's 9:30 am on a saturday.

i can't sleep and it's not because of love troubles or having to work...

it's because new generation sushi, the restaurant one door down below, is trying to kill us.

almost a year ago, to this day, we had a major fire at the 495.

the cause: unknown, but new generation was to blame.

this morning... episode two was on the verge of beginning, when i heard those familiar sirens beneath my head.
the cause: a pot on a fucking stove.

i grabbed my stuff like a pro, in order of importance because judging by the smoke, i had enough time. but you should never have to call yourself a fire expert.

you should never have to go through this twice, let alone once. it's somewhat traumatic.

way to make me feel safe in my home, new generation. i don't care how good your california rolls are, you'll be hearing from a few tenants who are VERY concerned with your intelligence.

fire=dangerous! fuck tard!

i will forever sleep with my emergency backpack by my side.

pity me.

he: "you have a beautiful smile."

me: (as i turn to show the wine he's about to sip) "thank you, sir."

he: "you must have a boyfriend..."

me: (laughing) "no, no."

(i sigh aside as 'at last' by Etta James begins to blare)

all around me
nostalgia filled the air.
behind the curtain were my dancing shoes and
i pretended you were there.

i closed my eyes,
swung a step with the rose-
and found myself dancing with a stranger.
he sensed my heart belonged to someone else
thought he was in danger.

he's right.
they're all right.
i'm stamped.

sailor to wind.

almost by sarah harmer.

"I almost dialed your number,
When I thought the coast was clear
cause it's looked up for so long at me,
And said call me please.

But the place was closing,
the countergirl turned the sign,
the cooks were getting their coats
and I got mine,
and said goodnight to the sea of empty seats.

And if I am a sailor,
then you are the warm gulf wind,
and you've blown into this little port
and roused my dreams again.

I see my mouth moving when I talk to you,
I do,
I see my lips and I feel like a kid
who can't keep something hid
Cause I've been under the paper you were writing on
you left your impression long after you'd gone
on me,
marks only I can see.

When we say sometime later,
you know that we don't say when,
You have blown into this little port
and roused my dreams again."

nobody move.

this is perfect.

cellphone's dead.

i fixed the remote today. all it needed was new batteries and some tape.
now i'm in front of the tv, a place that i normally don't visit too often.
but... beck is playing live at the rehearsal hall.

they're playing with items on a kitchen table.

just thought i'd make note of how awesome this moment is.
no one is home, volume is up, and i've got peppermint chocolate soy milk in my cup.

awesome.

how's your potassium intake?

slow like honey.

by fiona apple.

"you moved like honey in my dream last night
yeah, some old fires were burning-
you came near to me and you endeared to me
but you couldn't quite discern me.

does that scare you? i'll let you run away.
but your heart will not oblige you.
you'll remember me like a melody
yeah, I'll haunt the world inside you.

and my big secret - gonna win you over
slow like honey, heavy with mood.

i'll let you see me, i'll covet your regard
i'll invade your demeanor
and you'll yield to me like a scent in the breeze
and you'll wonder what it is about me.

it's my big secret - keeping you coming
slow like honey, heavy with mood.

though dreams can be deceiving-
like faces are to hearts.
they serve for sweet relieving
when fantasy and reality lie too far apart.

so I stretch myself across, like a bridge-
and I pull you to the edge.
and stand there waiting
trying to attain
the end to satisfy the story.
shall I release you?
must I release you?
as we rise to meet our glory

but my big secret
gonna hover over your life
gonna keep you reaching
when I'm gone like yesterday
when I'm high like heaven
when I'm strong like music
'cause I'm slow like honey, and
heavy with mood.''

fast as you can.

by fiona apple.

"I let the beast in too soon, I don't know how to live without my hand on his throat;
I fight him always & still.
Oh darling, it's so sweet, you think you know how crazy,
how crazy I am.
You say you don't spook easy,
you won't go, but I know and I pray that you will.

Fast as you can, baby run-free yourself of me,
Fast as you can.

I may be soft in your palm but I'll soon grow hungry for a fight,
and I will not let you win.
My pretty mouth will frame the phrases that will disprove your faith in man.
So if you catch me trying to find my way into your heart from under your skin...

Fast as you can, baby scratch me out, free yourself.
Fast as you can
Fast as you can, baby scratch me out, free yourself.
Fast as you can

Sometimes my mind don't shake and shift but most of the time, it does.
And I get to the place where I'm begging for a lift
or I'll drown in the wonders and the was.
And I'll be your girl, if you say it's a gift
and you give me some more of your drugs.
Yeah, I'll be your pet, if you just tell me it's a gift
cause I'm tired of whys, choking on whys.
Just need a little because, because.

I let the beast in and then;
I even tried forgiving him, but it's too soon
So I'll fight again, again, again, again, again.
And for a little while more,
I'll soar the uneven wind, complain and blame
The sterile land.
But if you're getting any bright ideas, quiet dear
I'm blooming within.

Fast as you can, baby wait watch me, I'll be out
Fast as I can, maybe late but at least about
Fast as you can leave me, let this thing run its route.

Fast as you can
Fast as you can
Fast as you can
Fast as you can."

i don't like this.

of course i'll watch. even if it kills me.

we're on a roll.

the one beauty i always wanted to be, was she.

just when i thought i could never be inspired again-
like gushers,
pop rocks
or fireworks.

i became snow white.

except this time, my dwarfs got upgraded.

wind it up.

M.I.A meets Kelis meets Madonna.
Where's Gwen? I prefer the BNL version.

yodelay, yodelay, yodelay.

think i'm in love.

i recently purchased the new beck album entitled 'the information'. upon hearing the soothing sounds of what was expected, i was highly impressed with the packaging... i'll pay $20 for stickers any day! the added DVD is absolutely brilliant. just have a few glasses of wine + then some and voila. i stood there mezmorized with laughter. best screen saver/party center peice out there! this is the closest thing i could find in relation to what is on the actual DVD. just go out and BUY IT. k-os's 'atlantis hymns for disco' is also worth mentioning.

stranger to stranger.

to my left.
she has a past, a story.
included, chosen-
i am part of her wednesday ritual-
she is mesmorized
by the bags,
the danish,
the tea,
the technology in this trendy cafe.
slowly breaking apart the bites,
she breathes,
she pauses,
she coughs.
there is no rush.
for tomorrow will sneak up slowly.
she is crippled,
accentuated by a red hat,
coat,
and shoes.
tonight is a treat.
she has lived a good life.
she reaks of old lady perfume
but it's comforting.
we exchange smiles.
on goes the lipstick.
red, of course.
she is a legend in my eyes.
a hero, inspiration.
i'm decades younger,
enjoying similar things.
tea,
yogourt,
myself.

i am alone.
and that's okay.

i am living a good life.

booked.

YYZ to YOW to NYC!

BORAT

equals REVOLUTIONARY. i urge you to see this movie.
the bar has been raised again! shock comedy, eat your heart out.
it's all about the jay roach, baby.

despite all my rage.

sometimes, i catch myself lost-
overlooking a maze
with me as the frantic rat,
you as the exit.
i am
confused,
nervous,
disoriented,
devastated, even.

i sleep at odd times,
in odd places.
i'm dehydrated, sick-
food has lost its' power.
there's other rats in here,
but they all stink.

'where am i going?'
'when will this end?'
'how did i get here in the first place?'

i wish i could tell the guys upstairs
i don't want to be a rat.

they challenge me by adding obstacles,
unknown routes and funky medication.
the others come up to me-
inspired and ask:
'where do i go from here?'
i say follow your heart
but i am a liar-
for i have followed my own advice and it has led me back to the start.

it's an addiction-
i've tasted it.
i crave it,
and the high extends my happiness.
i'm altered, in a haze
daydreaming of something so real.

i question whether i'm the rat, or the exit.
it must be the drugs.

each week i push.
i fight.
i dress up with silly hats...
in hopes to finish with a BANG!
if life's like the movies
i'll get there one day
and there will be a banner waiting.
but until then,
i'll remember the turns i took,
the bits of clues gathered along the way
and how good it felt to be free with you.

the exits there.
but if it doesn't speak, it doesn't help...

i might as well stay a rat forever.

i don't understand it.
if it would only reach out to me.
this isn't an end. it's a new beginning.

i deserve that exit
i'm adorable.

private.

open!
for the world to see!
is me-
gather round
come near.
nice to meet.

excuse me for i have work to do.

it does not include you.
it does not exclude you.
it's my only therapy.

feet sunken in cement
arms wailing recklessly, i vent.
i hurt.
i want them to know.
all that i know.
of things, of you.

i am an
army of one
defeated-
yet again
by words. your words.

did i dream you loved me?

cut. take three
will you be there tonight?
i'm high as shit.

yay.

i'll be performing. for a living.
i'll be surrounded by kids.
i'll be out on the open road.

i stuck it out this long and it's about to pay off.
this is just the beginning- of no more dicking around.

partial closure.

last night we smoked the moon.
as you were frolicking close by.
i thanked the red door for being my seatbelt.

we spoke like old friends
of love and loss.
my story- mimicking hers
she stood there,
with ears wider than before
for this time
was my first time.

she knows me
she loves me
she's hurt to see my pain.
but she's convinced
from this
that i will better
that i will gain.

i poured my heart
into a bucket
that continues to accumulate.
our friendship
could never be replaced.

he slid in like a fox
the door scared me still
'i'm heading out again' --
somewhere unsafe.
i sensed, i confronted.
he'll protect me,
he said.

if you only knew
what i now think of you...
how real perspectives were placed...
how sad i am to have previewed
the next chapter of our story.

you'll be partially erased.
for a disclosed amount of time.
from sheets,
from sightings,
from heart,
from mind.

it's the hardest thing for me to do.

you won't read this
you won't know
you won't feel.

because i am already away from you.

figured out.

finish...........................soul mates?...................................................
.....................................^><^...........................................................
...........................1st love.......long lost friend....................................
............................^......................................^...................................
...home girl/boy.........companion.......new love.....< bosom buddy....
..................^.................^..................^.......................^.....................
........bosom buddy......love.....< soul mate >............soul mate..........
........................^..........^...........^..............................^.......................
.......................two-timer.........companion..........< new friend...........
..........................^....................^.................................^.....................
.................soul mate >1st love............................new love.................
...................^...........................................................^........................
.........soul mate...................................broken hearted< connection....
.............^.......................................................................^..................
start.....connection.....................................................1st love............

**need i say more?

for the robot.

i think i actually understand him.

it could be because i'm listening to the stars.
it could be that i'm reading all the things i wrote for him.
it could be because i keep thinking we'll run into each other.

he's kept his word.
he's cleansed himself of me.

he'll be happy, because he deserves to be.

i was unfair to him.
when the serious pans over;
he's there,
mocking me,
saying 'i told you so.'

i knew it wasn't him.
his heart had been torn to shreds.

i'm wearing his shoes now.
and i see it all in my head.
played out like a screenplay
no lodestar in sight.

sometimes i miss his oddities.
but sometimes i miss the others too.
it must be because they cared once before.

i think of them.
but you'll be the king of all.
and there are very few.

i pity the next.

i should really sleep.
a girl like me shouldn't publish these things.
i really am a super hero, i swear.

no z's.

i can't sleep- i'm nervous and excited.
so much new is about to happen so quickly.

i need this.
to pretend i'm okay.
to go on distracted like you.

she said she wanted for you to see the tears i cried last night.
i wish you could have seen many things.

when it rains, it pours.

thank you karma..
for bringing me wonderful distractions to ease the pain.

not so digging it.

i'm beginning to understand what love is all about.

it isn't about the progression of the relationship between two people...
it's about timing.

and that's sad.


++++++++++++
Dido, amongst others, has enlightened me today:

"i will go down with this ship,
and i won't put my hands up and surrender.
there will be no white flag above my door.

i'm in love and always will be.

when we meet-
as i'm sure we will..
all that was then,
will be there still.
i'll let it pass,
and hold my tongue,
and you will think
that I've moved on."

i'm digging it.

'every day is saturday night, but i can't wait t'ill sunday morning...'

sniff, sniff.

i had over seven days of nothing last week. i sat around and twiddled my thumbs.
bored, i was.
content with the changes in work, yet, still unsatisfied. what to do? how to save? where to start? would of been the perfect time for a virus. but no, today is the day!
i lay in bed, coughing, sneezing, aching... there is no day until monday to do this.
hey, body? could you put yourself on pause for a while?

i just want to be held.

yep, uh-huh.

this weather is driving me insane.
it's cold.
it's lonely.
it's depressing.

fall brings the most change. funny how our bodies and lives connect to nature. i've been hibernating like a bear, under my dirty sheets, wishing the sun would shine down on me. wishing you'd join. i've cleansed myself of all the bad and harmful things an exhilerating summer created. or so i think i have.

i dislike my hormones and the fact that i am a woman today.
you did good. i would have been a mess.

i should have known by the way you took me in.
i'll have to be patient.
this time.

i want to kiss you in 155 places so that i can go swimming around in your head again.
i want to play in your hair.

why did i listen to the cops?

all dads grow beer.

what a strange evening that was.

times of change...

let's recap on what happened in the past few weeks... shall we?

i got fired from my desk job.

...while it was a tiny jab at my 'working ego'... it's also been incredibly liberating, refreshing and inspiring.

i don't know what day of the week it is.
i wake up late, take naps in the afternoon and have the time to strum on my dusty guitar.

i've been indulging in all things that make me happy.

i never wanted to be confined to a cubicle or a lifestyle that wasn't me. i kept convincing myself that money was more important. that paying back my debt what was HAD to be done before I could have fun again. that was the worst thing i could have told myself. everything was going to work itself out. even if i didn't have god damn benefits... i was still going to find a way to pay rent at the end of the month. i wanted to be unstable, working odd jobs and living the life of a starving artist. that's how my juice flows. i let that show in my work, and probably made other people feel horrible for having settled for twenty some odd years. there's a level of respect that's unspoken here.

i'm just a dreamer. sometimes i confuse my ambitious dreams with reality... i outplay a situation in my head so much that i end up convincing myself better things are on their way. and they are. i can sense them around the corner. but someone had to do the dirty work. my contract had to end... and i appreciate the understanding that i wasn't the right fit. i've just never been fired before...

things are looking up in the financial and job departments, ironically. i guess with all bad things come a few good ones. i'm excited to be kelly osbourne again.

i've also fallen into a category i never thought i'd be a part of. the category of people who stay home to watch their favorite tv shows. studio 60 on the sunset strip is phenominal. it's sexy, it's edgy. it's matthew perry. it's introduced me to a whole new perspective on television.... it's OKAY to love a tv show. i just never thought i'd be THAT hooked. even the bachelor I couldn't keep up with. I have a hard time dedicating a day a week for work, let alone a tv show.

who knows what will become of me when 30 rock airs.

i'll probably become a hermit.


_______________________________
sometimes i think i'll be okay.
sometimes i know i am.
we're so bad
we can't stop.
we're horrible at this game.
on nights,
when i feel like a sore loser-
i fall back on the way you said i was beautiful the other night.
the passion in your eyes.
i smile
and think to myself,
i'll never be lonely with you in mind and heart.

new.new.new!

demo dvd, auditions, serving, moving to chicago!

as a side note-
you might want to redirect yourself to drove-to-chicago.

...starting October 2nd, 2006, you'll be able to view/read a photo blog of my road to the windy city.

it will be 543 days of counting pennies, gut-wrenching worries and unknown discoveries.

everyone asks... why chicago?

it's simple.

the ferris wheel.

saturday.

something happened.
and this time, i think it really scared you away.
please, please, please. i beg of you.
don't let me fade away.

grrr

i get angry every now and then. at myself, at others, at you. i start to think this game isn't for keeps, or fun. it's for pain, for lust, for use. i can't help but wonder what? went? wrong?

i miss you. come back, from the start we'll play, okay?
i'm angry i fell in love.
i'm so angry i chose you.

like a crushed little school girl. look at me, running to my blog.

i'm still pretty fucking cool though.

they watch me with their hawk eyes
i'm the prey that wandered too far.

the time has eaten them up
like wrinkled old neighbours
complaining about the noise,
they've got nothing better to do
but pick on me.

as a result of their unhappiness
i fear i may be out looking for another job soon.

HELP!

your foot's on a box,
your phone keeps going off,
sit up,
don't slouch,
put your hands on your head,
speak with an empty mouth,
stop blowing bubbles in your chocolate milk,
no more jumping on the bed,

get out.
get out.
get out.

i can't do this any longer. i'm killing valuable time and braincells.
ouch.

when there is nothing left to burn...

you have to set yourself on fire.

I never thought I'd give rotation to that album again. It brings me back to a series of memories I'd rather forget. Silly how, right now, it mends me and my heart somehow.

I kind of enjoy diving my head into lyrics and songs. From my younger days of dancing to Phil Colin's 'Susudio' to these now uplifting, inspiring years of indulging in GOOD music... I've realised that every moment of my life has a soundtrack. Whether it be good or bad.... Here are some examples:

1) (Michael Bolton: Time, Love and Tenderness) Brings me back to those dress-up birthday parties I use to have, where my mom filmed my girlfriends and I trying to be superstars. We'd take out the treasure chest of old costumes, amplify our womanly features and put on some of my Dad's Cds. I really miss that basement right now. And that big beige comfy couch.

2) (Anything Jackson 5) Brings me back to when my neighboor Phil and I use to host our very own radio station. We'd sit on my front porch with his only cassette and disguise our voices as special guests. Callers would phone in with the help of a 'saved by the bell' portable toy phone. We were the coolest kids on the block.

3) (Michael Bubble: It's a New Day) Christmas 2005. The 495 fire, and rebuilding after the fire. What a hard time it was.

As I gather moments and experiences, the soundtrack just gets bigger. But there's one song in particular that keeps coming back. This time, I felt it more than ever. I loved. For the very first time, I loved.

"God that was strange to see you again
Introduced by a friend of a friend
Smiled and said 'yes I think we've met before'
In that instant it started to pour,
Captured a taxi despite all the rain
We drove in silence across point champlain
And all of the time you thought I was sad
I was trying to remember your name…

This scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin
Tried to reach deep but you couldn't get in
Now you're outside me
You see all the beauty
Repent all your sin

It's nothing but time and a face that you lose
I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose
I'll write you a postcard
I'll send you the news
From a house down the road, from real love…

Live through this, and you won't look back…
Live through this, and you won't look back…
Live through this, and you won't look back…

There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave
You were what I wanted
I gave what I gave
I'm not sorry I met you
I'm not sorry it's over
I'm not sorry there's nothing to say

I'm not sorry there's nothing to say..."

I'm daydreaming again. That's all I'm doing. Either i'm in disbelief or I'm lost up in a cloud, face down, eyes burning from my self-inflicted wounds. My sentences begin with 'I don't know'. I don't know where to go, to begin, what to do.

I'm so emo. But that's not just because of you.

So I've packed my bags and I'm going where comfort takes me. Irrational or not.
It's no longer in toronto.

bored

one more night...

" try as he might
he's unable to speak
he grabs her by the hair
he strokes her on the cheek
the bed is unmade
like everything is
dark little heaven
at the top of the stairs
take me like that
ruin it all
then build it again..."

episode 1

episode 2

puke

every time i see your name
i'm reminded of how far i am.
my stomach folds, twists and turns
as i watch you climb-
doubtful, young, worried...
i get so insecure and
tangled in thoughts i should never mention or think
they eat me up inside.
yet there are moments
so many moments where i'm convinced
this one's for keeps.

elle oh vee ee.

She read my words. They brought tears to her eyes.
We shared a nice chat over diet cokes.
She spoiled me rotten.
She packed me a lunch with my favorite fixings.
I love her more than words can say.

He held me tight and listened to my baggage.
He offered his wise advice on all my life’s mishaps.
He spoke of how proud he was and clenched his heart.
He says he’ll call more often, but there’s no need.
I love him more than words can say.

She penciled me in a two-hour slot.
She pampered me and opened up.
This time I listened.
I didn’t judge or enforce my opinion.
We shared some laughs, some tears and some convertible hair.
I love her more than words can say.

He’ll crawl into my bed in the late hours of the night.
I'll tell him my deepest thoughts.
We'll hold each other tight.
For that, he gets cookies.

another identity,

After seeing you
I was shook up.
You reminded me of a life I used to live.
A partial figment of my imagination-
That slapped me hard in the face.

There’s a language barrier, a lifestyle,
And a way of thinking that I’m no longer sharing with this city.
I feel ignorant, selfish even, at times.
The roots pulled me in.
The street corners watched me roll in quietly.
I wanted to be heard.
I wanted to be seen.
But this place is safe.
It’s repetitive,
Life-sucking
It’s where my first identity was born.
A life that I take truly to heart.

You’ve grown into a beautiful girl.
Eleven years old and still rubbing my nose.
Is it for good luck?
Or is it to bring me back down to size?
We taught each other that there’s fun to be had.
I miss those days.
In the chaos of the big city and the stresses of responsibility, age…
I just wish I could fall back on no care in the world.
I want to put on concerts in the playground.
Celine Dion would have been jealous of the recess insanity.
I’m glad I got to see you on your birthday.

There’s a different kind of love in this city.
It’s unconditional. It’s something I recognize and wish to see more of.

This time I didn’t want to leave. I really didn’t want to leave.
I made sure to put my ambition and ego away before parting.
That other part of me that is so sure of success yet so irresponsible and unaware of time.

...going home regenerates your soul. Leaving home makes you stronger.

hot.

like a gush of paint splattered across the wall
a panic-driven sweat dripping to no end at all
an aching pain that throbs and hikes
the seconds ticking away, slug-like

right here
right now

i crave you.

throw it all away.

take care,
he says.
i don't ever want to speak to you again,
i understand.

the memories
so quickly forgotten
the friendship
now
just a speckle in time.

i never wanted to be a tourist.

your voice.

longs to sing.
but it
speaks in cracks
as it fights depression,
sickness.

stuck in a rut
years upon years
of questioning,
neglected dreams.
you are lost.
hopeless and afraid.

its beauty
damaged by time
will forever be
a gift,
your talent,
comfort to me.

when it dictates sadness
I hear the confusing notes,
humming sounds
of a sorrow-filled song.

quit wasting your life away!
quit straining the guidance in my life!

it can move mountains,
give windows goosebumps
and shut my eyes.

power.
regain this power.
i don't want to lose you
or for you to forget yourself.

sing, sing, sing. and i promise, tomorrow will be a better day.

in the life of a lady

on a roller coaster of sorts

these insecurities
these tears
these stomach punches

influence

a monthly frown.


sometimes,
being a lady sucks.

fern.

this one's for you dad.
happy father's day-

his garage is filled with toys
all the way back from sixty-two
shiny plaques, plates, tools
prize-winning trophys too.

his work he built from scratch
building blocks along the way
little does he know
how proud i am today

his name is fern
and he's quite the man
with style, a stache
and racing stripes on his van.

he won't use CAPS
or drive you ill
but he'll love you lots
and quote doctor Phil.

twitchin', kickin', bitchin'

oh man, i just want to scream.

it's Friday afternoon and i'm aching to get out of here. the job rocks, i just want to be free.

that equals a weekend filled with fun and a monday off.
i can't emphasize on how anxious i am for monday to come.

it's worse than a craving or a want.
the fondness has grown. most def.

so i'm sitting here going through computer program manuals, waiting on passwords and such. while the sun is gearing up to hide behind a storm. i've got lines to go over and legs to shave.

chop chop time.

my leg is twitching, i'm reciting disney movie song quotes, playing air drums with the monitor and telephone, making airplane noises. welcome to Chantale, SOCAN.

spell my name right damnit.

exit quietly.

so self concious i was.
your eyes burning up my words
charm, wit.
we have nothing on each other
but inspiration.
something made me afraid,
hide.
turn bright pink-
heartbeat. heartbeat. heartbeat.
unspoken it stood
as i swallowed me whole. gulp.
worried
with nothing to worry about
I lie sleepless.

Zzz.

with you...

in bed seems like the perfect excuse
to blow off everything else.
let's press pause on this moment.

i'm head over heels for this adventure.

cache cache.

funny how-
i saw your face around
no escaping
our little game.

silly how-
like children it seemed
hide and seek
we were playing.

your name i'd heard before.
your words were on my page.

from a distance
we hid in lights
no knowledge
some hope
in sight.

then the rain
came

you still have my umbrella
i like it that way.

knock on wood.

almost unreal it seems
how well things are going...

no bad in sight,
karma on my side.
i am happier than i've ever been.

so much has inspired me to write,
but no time to publish...

shameless plug time- BIG OPENING NIGHT on Saturday!
visit www.midnightrevue.ca or www.reneesummerfield.com (yes! it's back up) for more details!

I know where that came out of...

despite the shitty weather, and unbelievable news- this weekend was... refreshing.

i feel like there are no strangers in my life anymore, this myspace thing is getting pretty ridiculous.

hey... are you 'Renee...from myspace?'

let's go back in time, where life didn't revolve around a god damn website.
it's a love/hate thing, really.

i had a bad case of verbal diarrhea tonight... 'um, i'll talk to you soon.' she says. with a teddy bunny in hand, i couldn't come up with my usual clever and flirtatious sayings.

mini-crushing. and i think i was caught red handed.

i purchased 'ruby' this weekend. she's as red as the dollar bin lipstick i wear on those lust-filled nights.
we will have wonderful adventures together. until someone takes her away from me. again.

there is a permanent smile as i pedal my way to work. if i should even call it that. it's more of an honor...
and the show! oh how excited i am about the show!... an amazing summer lies ahead.

a moment of laughter, disbelief and tears brought me to the conclusion that... my unborn children won't be as hilarious as i'd thought they'd be.

and there's nothing i can do about that. c'est la vie.

blue

the joy of relationships and the idea of love are far away in thought at this moment in my life.
it's a selfish semester, for several reasons. some remain unsaid... but i've just chosen to block off all things that could potentially be hurtful.

tonight, on my way home from the birthday, walking the quiet side streets alone... i thought about the joys of love. i pictured someone beside me. we were holding hands, laughing, singing some bowie, stopping to kiss...

it was all a mirage.
maybe it's this awfully nice weather.
spring time makes me want to fornicate, baby.

i guess i really do miss having a partner in crime, someone to press buttons and fetch ice cream with.
but i'll never admit that.

quack?

...before I go ahead and delete my very old tripod account, where my quackers part one website lies... i'll repost the link (for your viewing pleasure) for one week. and one week only. that's how long it'll take me to archive everything... all those useless ramblings. i dug it up today.

2002-2004.

i like to keep the things i've written and the things that have been written to me. i have binders of all the important/shocking/rediculous emails I have sent/received and all the letters from grade school. this is for a purpose, one day. my life, will be documented.

from the time my wisdom teeth were pulled out-
to the numerous linear emo poems.
i'll have had made my mark somehow.
i think we all strive for that.

http://www.members.tripod.com/ducksterz_0069 there it is.

in other news...
only 24 hours.

mom, dad, this is renee....

We've all googled ourselves... Heck, I have probably googled you a few times. But for some reason, it never occured to me to google through the images section. Today, on my search for an image of someone whom I was told might be of ressemblance, I decided I'd continue doing just that. Searching for images of names I know. People I've heard of. This will be an all day adventure.

It's fun to see your name in writing. But it's hilarious to see what comes up through pictures.

On my first search- this is what came up for 'renee summerfield'.



oh boy. doing promotional work for fear fest really had it's advantages. i'll keep you posted all day as this is most likely my last day in the dungeon. i'm convincing myself more and more not to come in tomorrow. i don't owe this company anything.

i'm going to hell.

tonight-
baby was more curious than he'll ever be.
higher than a tree.
up a lamp post, impossible it seemed.
people stood, dazzled on the street,
cardboard boxes, blankets at its feet.
jump! jump!
we thought,
and chanted.
where's bullwinkle?
the hippees crafted.
ctv,
firetrucks,
two cop cars,
no luck.
baby wasn't budging.
no word of a lie,
he'll be up there
laughing down on us.
until he falls asleep
and dies.

i quit! i quit! i quit!

Monday, April 17, 2006

CitiFinancial Retail Services
ADDRESS
POSTAL CODE

Dear lifers,

I do not regret to inform you, that as of April 21st, 2006 I will no longer be your source of entertainment. I have been offered employment in a field that is more likely suited for me. Besides, I never did set the 'citi' example. I have dreams and aspire to do something productive with my life. During my time with Citifinancial, I have learned to procrastinate while surfing the internet, take multiple bathroom breaks and spoil productivity by gossiping through long, pointless chit chats. Thanks for letting me call long distance, use my work email for auditions and applications to other prospects and sleep on the repossesed leather couch. I will not miss your vending machine packed lunch room, your Tim Hortons runs, your pot lucks or your monthly reviews. I wish you more grey hairs.

Peace.

Renee. Out.

cyril sneer.

remember this guy?

yes.

it will be mine. even if i have to sacrifice another day off.

i just want to punch you in the face. i want to see you, for one last time...so that I can take a good look at how much of a coward you are, then kick you in the balls you don't have.

you make me so angry.

the 196th post.

what an absolute great weekend. wish it was still here. sitting on the patio brings out the best in me on a sunny day. hoping for a change soon... i want to be unstabble and happy...and a bicyclette.


daddy?

again. again. again.

i stood with hands behind my back
one knee plié'd-
dangling, blushing,
i couldn't look in your eyes.
i'd laugh-
look at us-
pretending we're just friends...

no matter where we are,
what year it is-
your imitation of my laugh,
always comes back.

don't fool me.
we're not so innocent anymore.

sweaty palms...

I've been so occupied going back and forth with phone calls, faxes, follow-ups, interviews... an exciting career opportunity has come up.

This game of tag, makes me confident one day, doubtful the next.
...& they loved me.

With everyone's fingers and toes crossed, all I can do is wait.

Yet, how painstakingly hard it is to sit still.

I want to be a music police. Hear me roar!

woo woo woo.

twenty-three is what i'll be.

in celebration of me,
let's karaoke.

saturday!

a tease of Chicago!

tune in soon for an online view of the entire trip...

lay low.

you've been on my mind
at times
where you've disappeared the most.
in my memory again,
like a burglar of the heart,
luring me in,
involuntarily
because you're near,
trying to be a friend.
but who do I kid?
I like it.
even though things will never be
between you and me
I remember when it was,
maybe it's the weather,
this time last year.
I remember the quirks,
the stresses,
the talks.
it makes me miss you.
in a strange,
inexplicable way.
all the what ifs
float in thoughts at moments
I was sure
never to repeat.
but here I am again,
a friend.
right where I want to be.

s p a c e.

give me two years,
the change i seek will be lived
away from here-
where all will be new again.
from scratch, different,
challenging.

i want to run free...
nothing will stop me.
you'll see.

you (s)

i stop to think of you
and i get upset

i stop to think of you
and i miss the company

i stop to think of you
and i laugh out loud

i stop to think of you
and i want to come home

i stop to think of you
and i smile so much it hurts

i stop to think of you
and i want to get away

i stop to think of you
and i boycott love

Otis Lee.

you use to make me sing along
as i finger painted on the walls
careless and free
with you,
there were no responsibilities.

Did you know that you can send your Cabbage Patch Kids to 'bath camp'?
It's only 30$.

found him!
Otis Lee has a myspace account.

just a note.

'finding a replacement, with a heart sedated... i'll forget you.'

thank you.

amazing.

refreshing.

inspiring.

unbelievable.

unreal.
out of this world.

all I dreamed of.

unexpected wonders.

beautiful friendships.

unforgettable memories...




just what i needed.



so much i want to do
to repay
to show i care
appreciate
adore.

distance restrains me to thank you.
thank you so much.

Coincidence?

you both talked to me last night.
you both said things I didn't care about.
you wonder why I don't talk to you.
you wondered if I had heard the news.
you miss me.
you apologized.
I miss you too.
I'm happy for you.

i'll be here all night.

'hey, chantale? how'd you get in so early?'

...

'i took the wind into work.'

my life as told by Gordon.

hello city.
maybe we always saw right through each other anyway.
this is me in grade nine, baby, this is me in grade nine.
you think you're so smart, but i've seen you naked.
it's not fair to say that it's cause i was three inches shorter than.
you can be my yoko ono, you can follow me wherever I go.
life is one big pun.
when i was born, they looked at me and said:
what a good girl, what a smart girl, what a pretty girl.
if all else fails, you can blame it on me.
afraid of change, afraid of staying the same.
we never really knew each other anyway.

i climb the walls of my mind, it's like a jungle gym
i am more than content with the state of mind i'm in
cause I am crazy, just like you.
i've lost my marbles
my elevator doesn't go to the top.
the lights are on, but nobody's home.
i'm not playing with a full deck.
I flew over the cucoo's nest, and I'm never coming back.

if I had a milion dollars, i'd be rich.
i know that when i say this, i may be stepping on pins and needles.
just wondering where the hell all the love has gone?
i put my hands around your neck, you wrap your arms around me.
i can hold you till you turn out the light.
i thank my hairdresser for giving me such beautiful curls.
i'm 23 and they won't let me grow up.
bare with me, bare with me, be with me tonight.
i know that it isn't right.
he's not the king of bedside manor.
if you want to play to mind games- that's fine.
la la la I can't hear you.
just playing my guitar and building castles in the sun.
you've found an enemy in me.

the message.

it was a wednesday
i missed his call.
it was unexpected
a surprise.

this blurred vision
of a face
so familiar
so far away.

the dial tone disappeared
he spoke so kindly
so softly
insert funny here.
i was mesmorized.

i smiled.
i laughed.
i responded out loud.

my face hurt from the imprints
i'd never smiled like this before
blushing in disbelief
as a stranger
was welcomed in my heart
once more.

the rush.
the truth.
the risk.
adventures.

will lead me to you.

the modest post.

i have been

hurt
teased
ridiculed
used
embarassed

but.

never have i been


this disrespected.

have it your way...

you were so into me.
it was effortless.
all smiles.

confused as shit,
you're pulling back,
quicker than the start.

in a short span of time
i'm left hanging,
like i've wanted things this way.

how dare you?

toyed-with,
borrowed and ridiculed
i'm loosing my favorite game.

mind and stomach in knots,
fuck this!
no more hurt.
anymore.

let's play
the immature game!
you'll ignore me,
i'll change my status.
deal?

another coward,
inevetible, it always is.
give give give.
take take take
all of it.
leave me
numb,
guarded.
pissed off.

like a tiny peice of string.
thanks for the memories.

she will be loved.

one day
all of this won't mean a thing
a stepping stone,
a fork in the road.
a joke you often tell.
a pimple on the ass of time
it will all go away
starting today.

there's only one remedy
one teacher.
myself.

but,
i need your help
love me.

the V day cycle.

oh how my heart smiles today.
bigger than it did the year before,
you're missed more than words can say
on this overrated commercialized day.

Get me out of here.

I'm going more and more insane as the day winds down.

When i asked Bonnie (my cube-buddy) for three words...(to somewhat inspire me) she came up with...

happy, wonderful, and slut...

ironically Bonnie is writing her maid of honor speech.

day dreaming time away
twiddling my thumbs in trance with the tunes
mom's oldsmobile use to play.
playing with stapples
tape
liquid paper
elastic guns!
anything to make me feel creative
papercuts!
i'm trapped
in this tiny box of repetition
handcuffed to a desk
with a monitor for a brain
there aren't enough colors
air.
or windows.
sporatic energy bursts out
scaring my co-workers
get up and dance
sing like sinatra
talk to yourself
there's nothing wrong with me?
counting down the minutes
calculating life as it crawls by
don't stop day dreaming
slowly going crazy
sharon, lois and bram sang it best.
6,5,4,3,2,1, STOP!

<3

you get an emo heart.

a pocket keeper..

My mind is floating in a state of complete bliss...
All I want on me is your lips, your nibbles, your kiss...
Your brow-altered smile, drives me absolutely wild.
Your energy keeps me inspired, your look turns my thoughts into mush...
I can't get enough of you & your mind-blowing touch.

You make me want to construct a fry colony.
Extra ketchup.

xox

les résultats sont super sexuels!

strangers in the night
exchanging glances

we can't get enough of each other
exploring, laughing, rolling in my sheets.
don't stop what you're doing
and you will win.

the chronic WHAT?!....cles of NARNIA!

does it take this to make you realize?
your faults,
sefl-realization and doubts
are more vivid than ever
your mind is racing,
tagging your imagination
everyone around you is a suspect
people dressed with authority,
looking down on you.
you're paranoid!
you're scared!
you've laughed it off
write this down.
this may just be life
your last day
you think you're dying
but you're still laughing.
you found the door opened
the guy downstairs was staring
creeped out.
you're being robbed
you're in a movie now
the fucking truman show
you step outside to
watch yourself
you're griping your neck
you're twitching
you're laughing
you're back at it again
on, hilarious
brilliant shit is coming out of our mouths

this is good shit.

do yourself a favour and watch this.

high as a kite.

i've sticky noted ideas with friends.

after completing the ultimate sex survey on www.nowtoronto.com

here's what they say.


1-girl looking down at her skirt... with voice over saying 'oh yeah, this is the skirt i didn't get raped in', the i-didn't-get-raped-in-this skirt.

2-transport mexicans from california when you are wealthy and make them come to canada, set their shops up and scream 'just make me burritos'!

and so it ends.

2005

a year to remember?

many things
happened
changed

i only feel compelled to compare it through another 'stars' reference.

'live through this, and you won't look back'...


2006 will be the year of

success
love
health &
non-douchebags.

Thanks for the comment juicy fruiter. I wanted to be a park ranger. once. But then I realized I was screaming 'straight'.