Burning down the Korean Grill House...

I don't think I've had this much fun, on a weekend, in a long time. I'm going to blame it on the new kids at Payless who have (unwillingly) taken my shifts. Thank you.

FLUID rocked the two-seven-nine last night- they're great guys from Ottawa and had quite the Toronto (Pickering?) fan base. I couldn't help but notice their 'groupies'... they all had some sort of re-occuring theme. Could it be the blonde hair? The platform shoes? Their lack of personality? The cut-up Fluid t-shirts? My dad made those shirts. Fern would never take a pair of scissors to a t-shirt... I was critical and sarcastic because... oh, I don't know... alcohol? Yeah, hammered. Those vodka-crans just kept coming and coming. Yay FLUID!


Today I bought tons of feel good things like food, a book and some cds. Just one of those rewarding-type days where you feel you deserve certain 'necessities'. I also bought some homeless guys' art. He makes cool figurines with coat hangers. I got a little guy holding a mic. DONATION = $2.63

Lauren and I fought boredom like queens this afternoon. We made the best decision ever... and that was to go see FINDING NEVERLAND. Officially added to my 'favorites' list, I don't think I have EVER cried this much in a movie, except for maybe Brokedown Palace. I kept weeping in the washroom afterwards, on the street too... this movie has affected me so much. Such beautiful words, story...ah! AMAZING. I've seen so many reproductions of Peter Pan's story, since it is my all time fave, but this one is incredible. By far, the best.

I wanted to eat somewhere fun and different, so we tried the Korean Grill House on Queen, a place where you cook your own food. There's this fire pit in the middle of your table with a grill on it. We got things like squid, fish, pork, beef and chicken...The idea was cool, but then everything kept tasting like gas and burning. Yum? I got bored with the meats and needed some greens so I ordered a 'awad'. According to the receipt, that's a salad. On top of my semi-disapointment, I had to be an idiot and knock one of our little side dishes into the fire pit. What? The smell of burning plastic is awesome with a side of awad. Luckily, I pulled it out before I caused a scene, until moments later it happened again. EVERYTHING IS OKAY. I KNOW CPR.

Tomorrow, things go back to normal. Oh how much fun it is to be living in a dream.

This song is for you.

Sitting in my room
Playing on my guitar
Thinking of us
How opposite we are
You tell me it's left
I'll say that it's right
Shut up and tell me
You'll spend the night

A challenge a day
I'm up for the ride
As long as you let me
Be by your side
I will stumble
But you'll be there
Ad while you catch me
I'll tie my hair

Oh, we're friends with a past
And we're not sure if this will last
We're scared and confused
But there’s nothing that we can lose
And we both understand that
There's plenty of time on our hands

In your arms
I'm awakened
In your eyes
I see
What I longed for
and where I want to be

There’s something about you
I can’t live without
There's so much I want
That may make us doubt
Where we belong
And what to do.
But baby, remember
I’m crazy too.

Oh, we're friends with a past
And we're not sure if this will last
We're scared and confused
But there’s nothing that we can lose
And we both understand that
There's plenty of time on our hands

In your arms
I'm awakened
In your eyes
I see
What I longed for
and where I want to be

Copyright Ducksterz 2005.

Depresseduary

According to several websites, January (the most depressing month of the year) has an equation... I found it quite interesting and true.

The model is: [W + (D-d)] x TQ
M x NA

The equation is broken down into seven variables: (W) weather, (D) debt, (d) monthly salary, (T) time since Christmas, (Q) time since failed quit attempt, (M) low motivational levels and (NA) the need to take action.

And so, I bring to you- my way of battling the blues.

Call back ?

I just got home from the shortest audition ever. It's for a touring children's theatre company... "Jillian Jiggs and the Secret Surprise!" It went great, I have a good feeling about it- but then again, I'm sure everyone else who auditioned does too. I just read parts of the script and had a mini-interview... things would change completely if I get this job. I have to take a look at this from two point of views.

PRO
I'd be travelling across Canada with 3 other actors for four months, staying in hotels, getting paid a fair decent amount of money, entertaining kids, meeting all kinds of people... this would be the near-perfect job! I'd be considered a thespian.

CON
I'd be away from 853, no showcase show, sketch show or industry show... let alone graduate? I'd miss Colin incredibly, my family, friends, life in Toronto, Phoebe...the hunt to find another home... I'd have to have all my things packed for March, since that is when the touring begins.

There's a lot to consider both ways, but we all know I'll go for it.

oh boy. Experience and money vs. diploma and regularity.... how quickly my life could change... I hope I get a call back.

There were 3 others at this audition and I couldn't help but hear the other girl preparing with exercises like "Hmmmmaaaaaaaaaaah!" "Gna! Gna!"- I jumped to the conclusion that she was friends with Cindy Block. I got up and did a spine roll to see if she'd relate. Apparently Cindy isn't the only voice teacher around town. Oh well.

My name is Phoebe, I'm annoying and like to knock things off dressers.

God bless Adam Cawley.

After waiting 5 subways for Adam and Duncs this morning, I decided I needed to take out some money at the Kipling station. When we normally arrive there's a 44 bus already bording people.. but this time I was in luck, no bus. I ran as fast as I could to the bank machine when all of a sudden the bus shows up out of nowhere! I figure I have enough time to press those numbers real quick...and I do, then dash right back to the 44's stop. I couldn't see anyone, they were all on the bus and its' doors were closing!!! All I could see was Adam Cawley's body fighting those stupid looking 'press the bar' doors. I managed to squeeze in, but apparently he'd been doing that for 30 seconds. I never laughed so much at 8:45 in the morning. Adam Cawley, out of all people, fought like an idiot to keep me on the same bus. You really know who your friends are when they go against a bus load of angry 9 to 5 people. "SHUT THE DOOR, YOU MORON"... haha.

Kudos to you my friend.

Humber School of Drama?

Poor Howie Zaidman.

This kid regularily accepts our insults.
He's immune to our countless 'below the belt' attacks.
He doesn't mind when we laugh in his face... and yet when we constructively criticize his spec script(as the teacher told us to) he gets all activated, fails to rip his script apart, throws it in the garbage and runs out of class like a little school girl.

Wow, sometimes I wonder where this kid came from.
I'm going to go with a mule and an old drunk jewish man.

I'm such a meanie... I don't really 'mean' anything I say. Is that funny?
To quote Sarah Hillier "I popped my pimple because of you".

There's a demon in me. Hear him roar. Boom boom boom.

Dave Flaherty, there's another one. Today he called Camiel a hooker in class today. What a teacher. The 8 grand goes to him, completely. At least this week wasn't themed "Throwing toonies to kill some time."

Finding my internal landscape...

Today I created Henry Peters, an african-american high school music teacher. He lives in a one-bedroom apartment in upstate New York with his pet budgie. He hates cats and turns all his mumbles into catchy jazz tunes. All of this came from my inanimate rubber duck. My internal landscape is now paved creatively, thanks Cindy Block.

Sometimes I get out of character, in the midst of all the 'noises' we're making and think to myself- WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!

Watch out for the next Columbine...

Man O man.

I was scared tonight.
I couldn't believe what I was hearing, let alone, seeing.
There are fucked up people in this world and I don't ever want to get on their dark side, on their lists or close to them whatsoever.

How can you not know that you are non-functional in a social situation? If people ignore you, REALIZE IT and MOVE ON. Don't hang around and pretend like these people are your friends! I can't stand it when people just DON'T GET IT. When others are laughing AT you, they are not laughing at the 'jokes' you're attempting to tell, they are ridiculing the fool you're making out of yourself. Understand that no one gets you and your beliefs, that maybe you belong in a different part of society. I can't help it- I know I'm a hypocrite and I'll sugar coat everything... Even if you're someone I loath, I'll still pretend like I give a shit. But I don't and no one else does. We all need a little more honesty in our lives.

oh wow. I'm sorry.

Maybe I should have ranted tonight.

-continued-

Today has been officially 'blame the weather for everything' day. I just don't feel like showing my face anywhere, I want to coop myself up in a ball, close my eyes and hope that when I re-open them, everything will be alright.

I don't get it, so many things are going right for me now. Why do I still feel like there's a giant thumb out to crush me? I figure it's another one of those montly downers... but ah! Right. I'm a girl. I hate this week. Anything will make me cry. I'm an ultra-sensitive partial loser. Anyone want to switch parts with me? ...

tear.

haha, oh come on, snap out of it.

okay. If I say so.

School has been my main concern. It just feels so different this semester. Not like the first day back different... different in the sense where I can't wait for it to be done with. Adios, leave me alone!

Apparently the 'real' life begins May 2005.

It's times like these where I seriously consider writting "French and Confused"- the novel of my life.

If I made films they'd have a samurai.

Oh, the possibilities.

Sometimes, I just sit here and wonder why I've done what I've done. This leads me to believe that I have 'wasted' some precious time... but in the end I've created friendships? It's hard to tell right now, what I want out of this. Sure, I've made contacts and taken in all that I've allowed myself to... but honestly, I can do all of this on my own. I'm rambling.. I'm frustrated.. I'm talent that's going to waste.

I'm not about to let this happen, I will do something incredible and succeed in the image of my dream- even if it means I do not graduate from Comedy school. I know I'm funny. I don't need a peice of paper to tell me, or others that.

I'll explain later. ARg. I wish I were in 01 again.

Kiss me.

I won't worry
I won't wonder
I won't think like I did before
I won't bother
I won't linger
I won't pretend anymore

if you just
if you just
if you just
kiss me.

kiss me.
where I told you to.

I will adore
I will protect
I will keep you safe and warm
I will honor
I will commit
I will cause you no harm at all

if you just
if you just
if you just

kiss me.

where I want you to.

if you just
if you just
if you'd just

kiss me.

Knicky knicky nine doors (reprise)

Trickster, my imagination is.
Sneaking up on my realities.
Am I crazy or deranged?
There's nothing you can do to make me change.

If I had a pencil, I'd erase
All the scribbles I drew on your face
I'd even add a mouth that looks funny.
To show how young you use to be.

I am living in the colouring book of my life
And someone,
I don't know who,
Has drawn outside the lines.
Could it be you?
You.
Could it be you?

I'm scared that someone's at the door.
Knocking 4 then 5 times more
Tell him that he can't take me away
Sorry sir, I grew up yesterday.

I am living in the colouring book of my life
And someone,
I don't know who?
Has drawn outside the lines.

Could it be you?
Telling me it's too late?
Could it be you?
Taking my dreams away?
Could it be you?
You.
Could it be you?

DOMAIN NAME BABY.

That's right, you're all witnesses- www.reneesummerfield.com is officialy up and running! Thanks to the amazing Ajay Fry (www.absoluteajay.com) for all his help.

Tonight is one of those weird nights. A night where you've got tons of things to do, where random childhood friends call because they're 'in the neighborhood', where you've got plans out of your ass... and the only thing you really want to do is play some guitar and cuddle with someone.

Good thing I've got my guitar.

Smiley smile.

The void I felt is no longer.

Glad you walked back into my life.

I missed you.

I am happier than ever.

The stars are on our side.

This World.

I turned on the 6 o'clock news
Your face was there in fear
You were lost and confused
Wish I could catch your tears.

Your faith was unpredictable
And many others too.
What is this ignorant world
coming to?

I read the paper earlier today
It said that things were going to be okay
I don't beleive a word they say
The next disaster's just a day away

If I were wealthy I'd be there
Helping because I honnestly care
Your face tells a milion stories
What you lost is now history.





I wrote this a week after the Tsunami disaster.