Safety dance.

She's alright!

Phoebe is OKAY.

I had a scare yesterday... I learned she was alone without food for a couple days. And me, being the overprotective worry-wart 'mom' that I am... panicked, of course.

I just got off the phone with babysitter # 3- no more worries, I am so glad and lucky to have awesome, awesome friends.

BORING DAY IN OTTAWA NUMBER 10-

Woke up at 11:30am.
Left the house at 2:30 WITH PARENTS.
Got a manicure?
Went to the MALL (10th day in a row, might I add)
Ventured into WAL-MART.
Returned home by 6:00pm.

Highlight= I bought ANCHORMAN!

I know I make it sound worse than it really is... but I can't help but miss being on my own again. What is wrong with me? Wherever I go, I miss wherever I'm no longer.

Pfff. This calls for the making of Anchorman!

Comfortably numb.

I know this town ain't good for me,
Because the people here walk differently.

HONEY, I'M HOME!

And boy was I wrong into thinking things were going to be great. Probably the worst Christmas of all time (or at least in my top 3). Excluding gifts, it was a sad site to see and I was embarassed to be a part of it. The 'it' is what I call family.

I don't know if I'm too grown up, or if I've changed completely- but I don't see myself here anymore. This is not my home, and it wasn't long before I moved to Toronto. I was eager to leave the nest, and now I couldn't be any better. I just came home thinking that these three weeks were going to be filled with happiness and good times. I mean, sure there were a few, but I'm disapointed in myself for assuming otherwise. And it's come to the point where I want to return home prior to the planned date. I've become so particular with my way of life, the people I want to be surrounded by, the shops I go to, the foods I want to eat and the things I want to do... I've learned that I can only handle Ottawa in small doses.

Is that wrong?
Am I betraying my family by disliking what they've always done?
Am I being selfish into thinking I want to go back 'home', when in fact I AM HOME?

Right now, the pace has changed though and I'm feeling more relaxed. I have been welcomed incredibly by everyone I have run into lately. It's a great feeling to hear people notice a change in you. And it feels even better when you're proud of that change.

Despite the angry poems and songs,I've attempted hang out with this new guy. This one thinks I ressemble Ashley Simpson. I wonder what kind of baggage comes with that... I mean, I often get a cross between Drew Barrymore and Rosie O'Donnell... but never Ashley Simpson- I guess that change is paying off. So we'll see what happens with this one, nothing much I predict. Distance sucks.

As for other news in OTown... movies movies movies, that's all there is to do! I've seen Lemony Snikets, Ocean's 12 and Life of Aquatic in a week and a half! I missed the internet like it was life-support. Now it's almost 4 am and I still can't sleep, there's so much going on in my mind- even when my life is on pause.

To those of you who read this and to whom I haven't wished a Merry Christmas yet... MERRY CHRISTMAS and HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU. I hope you all got what you wanted from Santa and I wish you health and prosperity for the New Year.

Cheers to good times my friends.

A ramble created by frustration.

I can't stand it when people don't seem to see where I'm coming from. I have a big exam to study for and it's in 7 hours! I don't want to sit around and talk about other shit, I want to study so I can pass this class and graduate- because honnestly, I'm not doing too well in the history department. I just find it difficult for anyone to take me seriously sometimes- because I normally ain't. I want to have fun, can you put that stuff on pause and continue when I can afford to join in? There's nothing more frustrating than sitting in a house with all your friends and having to study. I am not a school body. If I could I wouldn't work, or go to school and just have fun all day. Nobody likes to feel left out, not that I did tonight, I just want you all to go through this with me so you understand. Not everything about my life is a joke. I'm serious 80% of the day. And I'm also a procrastinator + hypocrite- that's it, I'm back to studying. Leave me alone...

Oh...

And don't fucking pick at me because I don't know the meaning of the word 'jaded'. Who cares if I like the way it sounds. For your information, I dictionary.com'ed it and soon found out about its' definition. Way to make me feel small.

ARG, I think I'm stressed.
I want to go home.
I want more money.
I need to get laid!


-bottom line, after tomorrow, all will be fine and dandy. Heck, I'm not even PMSing.

Floating by with flare.

It's been a while since I've felt the need to write down my thoughts. I've been pre-occupied in the performance aspect of my life. I've missed being able to expand my creativity. Tonight, a share with you- a peice.

Can you smell the Holidays? I can't wait to walk down Taffy Lane in Otown and really soak it up. The is the best time of year- I miss it so much and can hardly hold back the excitement of going HOME!

Toronto has treated me well, in a sense where it has given me a taste of the real world. I know that my future belongs here. I know that the friendships I have created under such a creative environment will last almost forever and I know that I belong in the comedy business. I know that I love living on my own, with my best-friends. I know that I enjoy being incredibly independant. Toronto has taught me to be who I am now. It has shown me where I want to be and continues to guide my path towards success. I will be here for a long time.

I almost still can't believe it... That I'm here. I did it. I did what my shut up judges feared the most. I left home to follow my dream because I was always told it was possible. I am living proof that while it may not be easy, dreams do come true.

I sat down today and looked at old year books and pictures.
It was a phenomenon, I swear.

Something came over me, I couldn't grasp or believe that I was leading a brand new life. I've been living this life for almost 2 years now- and it clues in once in a while... that I use to be a different person. I haven't changed much- but my environment has, incredibly. It's like the two almost clash from each other. I have not lost my identity, I have only made it stronger. It's contageous- almost like a drug. I crave to learn more about myself in unkown situations so that I can explore what it's like to be someone else for a bit, or adapt to it the way that I would. When it all comes down to it, I long for adventure in my life- whether it be by travel or experience- I want to live my life to its' fullest and no one is going to stop me.

For the time being, I have become immune to all things that hurt me. I have gotten the attention that I want (and more) and I have realized that there is nothing wrong with the way that I live. I am happier than I've ever been and will continue to think in this mind frame. Otherwise I am restricted from what I love the most, my imagination. That's where girly music helps. Alanis is my savior.

The show went well last night, we killed. I've got mad sketches planned out for the next one. Renée needs to shine, I want to do what no one has done before.

We're hosting another night @ CLUB 853 next Monday (the 13th) so come on out and support your local comics. Email us @ club853@hotmail.com if you want a set. I cancelled my Rivoli spot tonight- I lost my voice. I took care of it up until last night during the show and now it's back to no voice at all.

I miss home so much. I can't wait to be the old me again.

So long.

The damage is done
I'm on my way out
Move over.

You've pushed me aside
I will no longer rescue you
Get out.

You've said what
You should have
You did
What I wanted
I'm frigid and bitter
Too late.

I can't help it
I've been played with
I've been lied to
I've been cheated from
Happiness

I tasted what I wanted
Never got it
So I'm gone.
Just remember
That you hurt me
You're not worth it
So long.

I dropped my glass slipper.

May the man of my dreams please return it to me before midnight?
Thanks.

My fingers hurt. My caluses (?) is forming from playing so much guitar. I have to admit, it's really addictive once you know how to put everything together.

Gross story of the day: Phoebe ate a rubber elastic last night... and sure enough pooped it out this afternoon. BUT the turd was done and the elastic was stuck in her ass! She tried to rub it out by dragging her ass all over the carpet!!! I had to do it myself, it was fucking disgusting. Especially when it snapped once it got out of her. For now, her ass is clean, but I'm still pissed I had to clean her shit all over the place.

Quite the LOL moment. Duncs was there to witness it. Eww. We watched Mayor of the Sunset Strip tonight... so good. A must see documentary.

I think I'm the queen of one-liners in the show. Best ending lines ever. But the downside for now is that I'm in 4 sketches, awesome ones for sure... but we always like to shine more than we are permitted at times- don't we? I can't wait for the industry show, I badly want to do my stand-up act. Ah well, I've got some good sketches brewing for the next one. I'm not worried.

The boy business is completely over. I feel disgusting over the whole thing. I guess I'm more upset over it because I'm not already in a new relationship. It's that time of year where I wish I was. Less than a month until Christmas- anyone want to babysit elastic ass? Let me know.

Until then- bonne nuit.

CAMERA ONE, CAMERA TWO.

Haha, don't mind that last post- just had to have some sort of closure with the whole thing... I came home in a great energetic mood, then I hit a bump so I had to shrug it off. Nothing says 'closure' like a poem (that begins to rhyme, then sucks).

There. It's done.

AND NOW BACK TO HOW AWESOME THINGS HAVE BEEN.

Ah man, today was like Christmas. Can you believe it? THE ALLAN GUTTMAN graced us with his presence in class today. ALLAN FUCKING GUTTMAN. He's coming back in January and I'm so excited. When we lost him, we lost our daddy. You don't understand... he's so much to me, and probably everyone else too. I love that man and he made our day for sure. I mean, no regular teacher/mentor could walk into a room and have everyone roar with cheer and receive a standing ovation. No one except for ALLAN GUTTMAN. Crazy.

Clearly, I'm still in shock about it.

We're getting into rehearsals and it's been so amazing. We've seen something like 100 sketches and blackouts and the atmosphere of it all is just a total rush. Everyone is being so great and things are running smoothly. I can't help but feel extremely at ease when it comes to putting on shows, it's the best time ever. DREAM JOB. Sitting around all day, pitching sketches, laughing histerically... and silently booing a few. (hehe) I've written a couple with Camiel and Sarah... I would like for one of them to be in- but it's an honor to even be involved in the others, for some of that shit is off the wall!

I'm headlining at Yuk Yuks tonight. I know... crazy eh? There was a camera crew at school today, filming for a Ryerson documentary... and they interviewed a few of us. I got to answer so interesting questions and even do a couple of bits on camera. Turns out, they'll be following me at Yuk Yuk's tonight, while I get ready and everything. I'll make sure to throw in some voice class techniques. ;-)

Oh well, I'm off to break both my legs. Wish me luck.

The path I took.

I met someone new.
He became a friend
We both grew curious
So the inuendoes did too.

We slowly fell for one another
INTERFERANCE!
Then, finally, a kiss.
But I couldn't find in him
The feeling that I miss.

We discussed everything
Like adults who knew how?
But then one day
I started living in the now.

I realized he wasn't mine
Heck, I lost him long ago.
No point in trying again
For I knew where that would go

I moved on
I'm still walking it off
Thinking, how did this happen?
When it all came so fast
And just LIKE THAT
I lost my chance.

That chance will come again
Only thrice better
I am sure

I'm back to where I started
I've become the friend again
Ironic, isn't it?
Circle of life perhaps
Awkward situations,
Yet, I still think of it
As an experience.

I won some, I lost close to none.

Thank you for your time,
But sadly sir,
You just missed the
FUN BOAT.

Sad face.

In your lifetime you meet all kinds of people. Some will affect you in more ways than others. Some will come and go, and some will remain on your one-hand count of best friends to keep.

I have never 'lived' this much. Everything to me now is beyond real. I reside in the city of Toronto, downtown... I live with my best-friend(s). I absolutely adore the state of mind that I'm in. I love what has now become home to me. My friends are all here, my life is on the right track. Things are looking up in a sense that my dreams are slowly coming true.

Although I have been distracted for the past few months with a new acquaintance, my head is still up high and nothing will get in the way of my success.

I spent so much time trying to figure out what I really wanted. When, truthfully, the entire time... what I wanted wasn't there at all. I feel sad inside because I put a lot of effort into showing who I was, and I was unable to break down the wall. I feel defeated, like I lost something, someone as real as life can get. I got lost into thinking that I could help and recieve happiness... but once again- it's just another guys' loss. I am too much of a great person to go through any kind of pain like this. And I'm far too strong to let myself get affected by it.

Everyone wants to be held and told that everything will be okay. I guess that's where I have a problem. I just want to be loved.

Normally, I try and try until I get what I want. But in this case, at this point, I am restless and unreachable. I've gone from hot to cold in mere seconds. I wish I knew how to handle it better. I don't want to lose a friend, but maybe that's what will need to happen in order for me to move on.

The words like TIME and PATIENCE lose their meaning. How quickly things can be forgotten, words can be taken back and feelings misplaced.

I'm stronger than any other woman without a man, I have this sort of power and self confidence that makes me feel like I will survive.

In the meantime, I still believe the hype that (It was his loss) and that (someday I'll find the man of my dreams).

Someday... just not right now. Oh god. I'm having to much fun to get lost again.

Meet Me

Meet me in a shop where things are on sale
Meet me near the park, under the sunset
Meet me in the middle of an afternoon shower
Meet me on the planet of 'I don't know's'-
Meet me on the edge of happiness.

We could get the best of everything
We could enjoy the beauty of it all
We could splash around in the puddles
We could have fun exploring-
We could fall in love.

Square One

We talk
We don't know
So we wait for the forward

We touch
We don't know
So we become even closer

We kiss
We don't know
So we digress back to square one

We talk again
You don't know
So we wait for tomorrow

Uncle Joey?

Apparently, this weekend, we'll be 7 people in this place. I'm looking forward to having one heck of a good time since our friends from Ottawa are coming up for a few days. But for the next little while, it's testosterone meets estrogene times 2 @ 853. Anxious to see what that'll turn out to be like. It's always good to have a couple men around the house.

CLUB 853 was a flying success, thanks to everyone who came out. There will be another show on the 22nd of November and we're taking the first 17 comics who email us at CLUB853@HOTMAIL.COM- Showtime is at 8pm, I encourage you all to be a part of our intimate audience. B.Y.O.Chair.

All in all, i'm in a complete state of happiness, I could be dreaming- but that's how I live my reality anyways. I'd hate to jinx things, so I'm knocking on wood and saying my goodnight tout-de-suite.

Poem craze...

Yeah, so... they're free verse. I don't see anyone stopping me. It's kind of ironic actually how I've been somewhat 'inspired' to write these lately- I wouldn't really call them poems. They're just things I want to say in a creative way. Enjoy.

Time to watch Shrek 2.
Sleep well my creatures of the night.
I miss you (yes you)

Optimistic Utopia

In a world- like mine
everything is healed by words:
lyrics, a poem or a song.

Music picks you up and
lifts you into your finest dreams

Nothing hurts-
not even a paper cut

Tingles never leave your body.
A magical spine walks you
through the day.

You never realize you're dreaming-
the illusion feels so real.

Strength is found deep within
But there is always time to help someone in need.

Fun is the population
Smiles, the currency.
Welcome to my optimistic Utopia.

Home?

Unfamiliar
12 months ago.
New home,
High hopes.

Undiscovered
Years to come
Adventures calling
A name to remember-
Influencial smile.

Bead on a city street
Twirling with flare
Pass it by,
Feel the moment
Never forget its' colour or shape.

Feels like home?
Familiar faces secure
My new surroundings
-Mountains of debt
Yet, still...

I am content. (e)

A Poem for Ben.

You sit silently smirking my way.
Something mysterious about you.
Meet me on the wavelength
That no one really knows.

Deep down- there's a little boy
Inside, wanting to play.
I see through you.
Pick up the frisbee
Smile.

One day here,
The next,
He disappears.

D I S T A N C E

I'm trying hard to keep my
D I S T A N C E
Might I still have a chance?
Grace me with adoration.
Colour my vivid dreams
With some of your precious time.
Happiness aids my frustration
Only if you're healed first.
Thoughts bring the illusion of
CLOSENESS

Hey ma, I think I'm failing.

Haha, what a day today has started to be. Pop quiz in history class. We all know I don't do too well with those. I'll be lucky if I get 5 marks. But ironically, I don't care. I seem to just be optimistic about the whole thing I guess. I'll do extra work, or maybe I should have just read Candide in the first place. Oh, how lazy and such a procrastinater I can be. Aw well, my fault.

This year at school seems like it's just one big waste of time. Everything is repetitive and it's all leading up to the 'sketch shows'. I thought I wasn't in high school anymore. That's all I looked forward too then, was the big drama class productions- and maybe the odd English project. Now, I'm happy in the sense that I'm with my new and wonderful friends, that I've got some sort of a career happening and that I live downtown Toronto- but I still feel like I've got more to learn. They can't teach you life experiences in College. I really feel like I should have taken the postgrad program, for the maturity level as well as the work load. Ah well. Mom and Dad, thank you for your understanding, ahem... money. It will EVENTUALLY come into effect.

The only class where I do feel I progress is in stand-up class. My teacher gives me reason to be motivated. It's a class where you get to explore who you really are, to then find out what that + your comic abilities make you as a stand-up comedian. I love Mondays for that reason. Maybe because I get to indulge into 'myself' or whatever, but it's also where I learn the most. For example- we did yet another excercise where we had to yell out some sentences, but this time accentuating on either the vowels or the consonants. When I began to say my sentences, I couldn't help but come out sounding extremely french. It's like my 'hidden accent' was discovered, the one that Andrew says I do when I'm on stage. It was far more elaborate though- I couldn't grasp the difference between vowels and consonants, I was just FULL OUT FRENCH. So, by seeing this, my teacher asked me to do my set with an accent. I did it and it was 'fucking hilarious' according to a few of my classmates- and considering the fact that they haven't seen my set live before, I'll take that as a compliment. Mondays are always feel good days. Then, when you hit hump day- it gets blah.

Fridays are getting better for me. Bowmander and I have a way better relationship, and when you do get on his good side- he's a pretty sweet guy.

The party on Saturday had to be one of my top 3. It was great... good times all around ;-) and MAN, ROCKY HORROR was hilarious. 4th time so far and best performance yet. DARKNESS DARKNESS- man that bitch was funny. Shuuuuuuuuuuuuuut up! *handful of rice on the back of her head*

Well, back to class for now.

Good to see you.

Can you believe it's already November 2nd? Time flies when you're having fun, I guess. I've had quite the eventful week- quite the week I anticipated actually. Things have been going 'my way' up until now. I've had some sort of control over some things and I've felt great... less vulnerable I think. But then I go back and morph into the emotional woman that I am and can't help but feel weak.

I've written many things, I've been thinking like crazy. School is a bore and I'm more than ready for the real world.

I need to fill the one gap in my life right now- that's all. Alanis is always there to heal my pain.

Rose Tint My World.

Everything is coming together... I've been extremely busy with work, homework and several gigs. I'm in a complete state of hapiness. My mind is in a beautiful place right now. Things are on a roll and I can't help but feel excessively creative. There are so many things to look forward to the next few months that I'm wired and can't seem to focus on some of the more important things like dishes or phoning people. Haha, ah well.

I'm so excited about this upcoming weekend! Think about it; partying, Halloween, Rocky Horror... the madness!

It's better than how things were a week ago. I need to be less selfish in some areas of my life. Cheers to good times my friends.

Selfish.

I can't sleep. My mind is running fast. I'm trying to catch up-
I feel like a fool, why am I falling with wild abandon?
I knew it would come to this.
I have to stop, thinking, dreaming, believing.
I must have other things to do.
I am strong, giving, amazing.
I just wish someone knew.
I need attention, passion and forgiveness.
Je suis vulnerable. Can I come in?
I wish life were a movie.
I want to act like I'm not hurt.
I shall feed my imagination,
I won't leave my place in line.
I'll be here for you
Just like I'd do if you were completely mine.

Time Takes Time.

Tossed salad
Intense emotions
More than a friend
Everything.

Truthful words
All so fast
Keeping a distance
Eventful outings
Some indoors.

Take it
Intimate thoughts
Many conversations
Everlasting bond.

Check the O.R

You like it so far?

I had the priviledge to meet Tom Green tonight. He was in town to promote his new book 'Hollywood Causes Cancer'... I was completely surprised to see under 20 people in line for the signing (underground?) and amazed at how nice of a guy he is. He pulled a few stunts and appologized to this cute little girl for swearing. He asked her if she had 'ever heard mommy say those words?' then appologized to the police officer standing behind him. It's so crazy how much the media takes over, like they have some sort of super pass that allows them to do anything. You could tell who the hardcore fans were... I brought my Tonsil Hockey tape and yelled out a couple comments like: "THE GONK, ROGERS CABLE 22 and OTTAWA!!!"

Okay... shhhh shhhh...I recorded the whole thing and was playing it in the background as I'm writing this and I'm next in line to talk to him... our convo went like this: (I know. It's nerdy)

*Handing my camera to the camera lady...

ME- Hey Tom, pleasure to meet you!

TOM- Hey Renée, Renée?

ME- Yeah...

TOM- Haha, the GONK!

ME- Haha, yeah...represent! Um I just had a question for you.. I'm in comedy school here in Toronto and you're such a huge inspiration to me and many of my...

TOM- Cool! They have a comedy school here in Toronto?

ME- Yeah, it's with Humber College actually...

TOM- Oh, okay...cool!

ME- I was just wondering if you had any words of wisdom to someone whose trying out much like you did, way back in the day...

TOM- Oh,um, geeze, I don't know, just you know keep at it, you know?

ME- Okay.

TOM- Don't quit!

ME- Haha,no.

TOM- Even if you want to quit...

ME- Okay, thank you. Are you ever going to go back to doing some stand up?

TOM- Um, maybe....I mean I kinda just want to do stuff on television right now, I'm better at writing jokes for that...

ME- Yeah, so you. Well if you do decide to go back to it, I'd definetly would like to check it out.

TOM- Well thanks.


CAMERA LADY- Okay... and smile!
Tom and I did an awkward face (best picture ever!)


TOM- Cool, thanks... you want me to write on that? (Tonsil Hockey tape)

ME- Yeah, that'd be awesome. You're so great, keep it up Tom, thank you.

TOM- Keep at it yourself...

ME- Thanks dude.

TOM- I hope it'll all work out for you...

ME- Thanks Take care...

TOM- See ya Renée.



And that was that! It always feels like one small step closer for some reason. Look at what he has accomplished- he's a household name! From Ottawa! So great.. yet another Canadian artist who doesn't forget his roots. Got to love it.

Time to indulge in the book.

Tonight's quote.

'Spinning, laughing and dancing to her favorite song... She's a little girl, with nothing wrong, but she's all alone.'

I'm happy, I'm sad, I'm all over the place- but come tomorrow morning the 'tragedy' becomes comedy- story of my life.

I locked myself out of my house tonight. Way to top all things off. My First Crush was great though ;-)...

I found myself singing on my porch, pep-talking to myself, going to pizza pizza to warm up where Russian men were discussing the war, went back on my porch then finally got to the now-familiar frat house. Thank you for taking me in at 1am.

I later found out that the roomate was inside our apartment sleeping the entire time.
You win some, you lose some.

This one is for Krug.

Haha, this originally was an idea for a blackout of mine... then someone said the correct saying was 'heart', so I decided to narrow it down to a silly little comic (my first!) because I was still convinced that it was funny. Go ahead- judge me. There's a third guy at the bottom yelling some sort of stereotypical insult. Krug, I know you're out there. We're going to be famous.

The past few days have gone by quicker than the last week. Fall does fly by- is it daylight savings time this weekend? No, wait... maybe it's the next. Either way, this is my favorite time of year. It's chilly yes, but god is it every beautiful out there.

I'm off to see My First Crush at Tim Sims tonight... I've heard great reviews and would like to have one of my own. I know two of the cast members and doubt that it will be unentertaining. Merde to the both of you tonight; Adam and Chris.

I had a set at Yuk Yuk's last night, went alright... but the crowd sort of interrupted my flow. I got laughs in places I normally don't so it threw me off guard, but I think I was still prepared. In due time this year, I hope to headline. The crowd there is getting bigger and bigger- good, yet sometimes too generous.

I also had a wonderful Thanksgiving. The turkey dinner came to me and so did a worry-free weekend of fun. Go see Shark Tale!!! I don't care what anybody says, I loved it! Lady Killers... on the other hand... no, too slow for me. Good concept, very dark, but too slow.

I'm happy where I am now. My head is much more clear. But I'm still lost. Hope all is well with everyone! haha.

Episode 2: Bowmander files.

For those of you who have read my msn name today and need an explanation- it will follow. But first, I'd like to take a minute here and thank those of you who are commenting. I'm happy to share my thoughts and stories with you- and I'm thankful of your support! Gracias.

Alright, so today was Friday, and Friday means acting class = the class where I'm least welcomed. Let me start off by saying that NEVER in my history of schooling have I detested a teacher this much, nor have I encountered one that detested ME this much. I'm so innocent, it's not even funny. I did not deserve those words from him today, I was on the verge of tears- I don't need a prada-mouthful telling me that I have the worst teacher-student relationship with him, that there could possibly be. Ouch Bowmander. Way to hit me in the feelings. If it were any other week, I bet you I wouldn't even be so bothered by it since, I myself am a better person than he. But I really didn't need that extra cherry to my already melted sundae. Oh god, I'm turning into my father. Dr. Phil quotes are cool right?

Anyways, I felt embarassed and mocked in front of my entire class (thanks to those who looked at me and motioned that he was an ass) but not the embarassing 'I do this everyday in Comedy school embarassing...' the real kind that I haven't felt since, oh I don't know, like grade 9! It took all I had in me to shut up. I stood there nodding my head as he insulted me using his figure of authority, as my face turned beet red and I cried internally. I may not disagree with his method of acting (thank god, or I'd be his worst enemy) but I do disagree with his way of teaching. Someone like me, let alone a whole room of me's will get fet up with it one time or another. When things like this happen, I can't help but think- 'I'm paying 50$ a class for this?' Welcome to second year, Chantale.

It doesn't end there... Afterwards, while others went up to execute their 'lines', he kept appologizing to me through their evaluations, which did not please me. But it's like he knew I was upset and wanted to Bowmander his way into friendship again. Sorry buddy, I'm your student. Not your friend.

I guess you can't always get what you want. A perfect life, perfect grades, perfect relationships... you just have to work with all these types of people.

I sometimes should take my own advice.

Today was long long long long long. I worked forever and just felt so blah. I'm looking forward to a fun-filled weekend to freshen up a little. I've been caught up with things and it's time for me to come back down to earth. I've got stuff to face like an adult and I'm just going to have to tuff it out. Even if all I really want to do is escape somewhere for a little while.

It's times like these where I miss home. I just want a hug from my Mom to tell me that everything will be okay. I'd pay 200$ for that right now. I believe Bowie says it best: " Ch-ch-ch-ch changes, turn and face the strange. Time may change me, but I can't change time!" Yeah, I'm still hooked. :P

On a less serious note... would you buy your underwear at a place that sold them outside in a bin labelled 'underware' ?? Me neither. Haha.

Is there life on Mars?

I convinced my Politics teacher to push back our test an hour so we 'as comedy students' could go see Dustin Diamond perform for an hour in the cafeteria. I was surprised he said yes, but then again- I used my manipulating voice- aHA Cindy Block. Knowing me, knowing you. That was for Morgan! Anyways, 'Screech' as we may all remember him- was a pretty good comic. It's sad to realize that he's riding on that character's coat-tail though... His act was pretty solid, but it was weakened when he'd let random people ask questions during it. ALL of the questions were obviously Saved By the Bell related and I mean, come on! Cut the guy some slack. He's performing in COLLEGE CAFETERIAS!!! I gave my mean look to my fellow classmates who said it sucked. "I don't see you up there, do I?"

I was up @ Spirits tonight- and I'm quite satisfied, I tried my new msn mom joke and it kinda flopped, still need to work on it. As for my regular act, I can feel it getting stronger and stronger.

Listening to Bowie, dreaming.
Turning off the lights.
G'night!

For the love of (.)

I can't stop.
I can't think.
I can't sit straight.
I can't lie down.
I can't sleep.
I can't do homework.
I can't watch tv.

I don't want to talk to anyone else.
I don't want to fall too quickly.

I can only dream for the moment.
Dreams do come true right?

God damn it it's 2:24am and class is in less than 7 hours. Help me!

Time.

Is it possible to think too fast?
I'm clocking in at one hundred.
Feeling so close, yet so far away.
Hear me ticking, loud and clear.

There's never enough,
I simply want more.
It tells me to be patient.
I'm listening to my gut.

Weird how it arrives
and is recieved well welcomed.
With open arms and mind
I await the future.

He stole my raisins.

Damn you Bowmander.
How dare you take away my yogourt covered raisins.
I didn't give you permission.

Fridays are really starting to get to me... a 9am acting class isn't my idea of 'fun' in the morning. I mean if we'd be spending less time on idiotic things I would agree that it is helpful, but please... get me outta there! I was very impatient, I couldn't sit, I couldn't stop being a brat and I just wanted to come home and have a nap. Not that I don't like this teacher... he just knows how to push my buttons- and I don't bullshit so we head butt. I think I learn more that way?

I didn't get the chance to nap this afternoon since it's 'meatloaf' night here @ 853. All is welcome- hail my mother's infamous recipe. I'm off to prep quite shortly.

I had to bring Phoebe to the vets again for her to get her stitches removed. I think I have a furball of my own in my throat cause she shed so much. yuk.

I didn't feel like making 7 trips to the beer store this afternoon, so I called this company that picks up empties (so cool)... I think he's even going to give me some money for them. Beats having me look like a crazy lady with baskets of smelly beer bottles... hehe.


TOGA TOGA TOGA TONIGHT

Boredom strikes again!

I totally destroyed this kids toy. I hope he or she doesn't come into the store looking for it sometime this week. I couldn't control myself... it basically asked for it- a naked mini-doll + tub of markers in front of me = TA-da, another masterpiece. By moi.

I swear to god there was this old guy who came in and bought his prostitute some shoes tonight. She was trutting her stuff all over the place- wearing no bra, 'sex' hair and commenting on everything; like Payless was The Gucci store. Yeah. Good one broad, you must be pretty cheap for a 29 dollar pair of shoes. I fucking love all the wacked people that visit the store.

STIX - DOMO ORIGATO MR ROBOTTO! I'm back into my BNL phase. It normally kicks in 12 times a year... Gordon has got to be the most amazing record, EVER. I heard today, from a non-hardcore fan, that they were coming out with a DVD 'sketch show' about some of their songs. That is CLEARLY amazing. OH, and can you believe (kat!) that on Sunday when the acutal Word on the Street Festival was happening, STEVEN PAGE decided to 'drop by' and sing some accoustic songs??? To raise awareness on some books, so cool! You don't know how bad I wish I didn't work that day. MAN! Steven Page @ Queen's Park- so hot! I will contest against anyone who disagrees that BNL isn't the most amazing CANADIAN band EVER. They're so out there in our community, making differences, supporting political parties and damn proud of being Canadian. On top of being incredibly talented muscians, they're REAL. I love that. And anyone who knows me real well is probably going.. 'I've heard how much you love them 11 times this year already!' hehe, stuff it!

My set @ Healey's last night went pretty okay. It was quite the older crowd and I got that 'aww, look at that cute 21 yr old on stage, talking about her mom...' look. And then when I whipped out the boom box, I got respect. I wish the stage would of had a stool, or an easier mic stand to figure out cause the postitioning of my musical instrument would of been so much better. BUT Kristeen Von Hagen remembered me (by name!) and we small talked, but still- that's awesome! Kat, thanks for coming out to see me/sorta, haha... you called me Chantale in front of her, she must of thought you were insane. :P

Well, I'm off to marker another baby.
CALL BACK!

Brain fart for title.

Happy Birthday to Phoebe. She turns one today- I know this may sound silly, but I think I might just go buy her an extra treat. This cat is spoiled like crazy! It's funny how our lives revolve around her- she brings out the best of us and relieves any kind of tension. Sometimes we'll just sit there and stare at her, talking about how 'pretty' she is. It's quite funny to hear us speak about her cat 'boyfriends' too... the ones who linger around our windows. I never thought that I could have this much love for a single animal, let alone want to celebrate her birthday. She's my little girl. And every single one of you knows how much this kitty rules. I'm never going to be an old cat lady though. I promise.

On Sunday night at around 10:30pm we heard a crash outside our windows. It sounded horrible... there were sounds of broken glass, torn up metal and deflating tires. So, of course, we rushed outside to see what happened but we weren't the only ones. The whole neighbourhood was there staring at the colision, wondering if the cab driver was ever going to make it out alive. We all made the assumption that he was dead and that the SUV was at fault. No one really knew what happened, but it was so real. The accident was 10 feet away from our front door. I was scared and I came, sadly because of this, to the realization that downtown isn't all that exciting. I mean, we hear sirens go off at least 20 times a day, they even wake me up at night. When I lived in the nice suburbs of Orleans, that was the rarest sound ever. I know the population difference states the obvious- but still... life sometimes just isn't fair. Innocent, is no way to die.

On a higher note- somewhat of... yesterday's stand-up class was amazing. I take back anything that I've ever said bad about Rob Trick (although I don't think I ever have). He may fart in class, but he's quite the master of pin-pointing. He had us do this very interesting excercise where you'd jot down pages and pages of your life story. You had to write about things you remembered and random information about yourself. We then had to turn those facts into questions.. like 'Who here is STILL afraid of thunderstorms?'... For the past two weeks, he's been getting people to go up in front of the class to ask these questions like an evangelist. It was my turn this week and I was pretty surprised at the outcome. He immediately mentioned that I was very grounded and asked me if I made lists. I was stunned to know that he knew I did. Then he asked if I kept my apartment clean and I didn't even have to answer- everyone else commented a nice 'yes, so clean or oh yeah'. So by that time I was somewhat intimidated but I still kept my cool. A classmate of mine said that I was very caring, the other said 'she's like our class mom' (is that a good thing to be?)...these positive comments just kept coming back and forth and I think I just might have blushed. Rob didn't mention that I needed alot of work with my act, he more like connected with me on several terms, one of which is my name change. I'm glad I got out of that little -put on the spot- without much homework and it was a nice little ego boost too. It's made me more confident, more versatile and more aware of who I really am on stage. Time to shine @ Healey's tonight.

I can't wait for Saturday.

When it Falls.

Last night was a good time. I almost forgot what getting drunk felt like. Some people need to learn how to control themselves though... Alcohol always brings out the worst in people. Part of me wishes I were younger last night, so I could fit in? My brain thinks way ahead of time and I'm past the grade six version of drinking. Why am I mature in this part of my life?

It was so very hard to wake up this morning.

I can't stop thinking about a certain someone, it's not a crush, it's not obsession, it's just interest. I'm intrigued- I want to know more. Yet so many things tell me to back off, so for the moment I will. I'll just be the friend I always am.

At work today, like any other day- I met some interesting characters. One of which stole 2 pairs of shoes. I pointed out to him that he was wearing one of our brand new pairs off the racks (because I had seen the ugly ones he was wearing earlier) and he claimed that they were his and told me to go back inside and see on the shelf. Sure enough, I stood there in disbelief for a moment, went back inside to see (to prove him wrong of course) and there were his ugly shoes, stuffed in the box of the stolen pair he had on. By this point, he had run away (clever!). What was I to do? Grab him by the ears and say LOOK, these are your shoes? He looked dangerous, and stinky. His shoes stank of urine. yuk.

I also met a crack baby. She must have been 7 years old. The poor thing was in with her mother and grandmother (whom both looked under 30). She was in love with our Power Puff shoes and Hello kitty so I gave her some stickers. She was wearing a t-shirt 3 times her size with a spaghetti stain on it. Her feet were the blackest of black and her mom kept yelling at her to 'SIT DOWN' and 'COME HERE'. I felt for the poor girl. She didn't ask to be brought up under this circumstance... She'll have to live like this until she's old enough to fend for herself. The grandmother mentioned she wasn't the mother of this child like she was a 'thing'. So I talked to the girl more and more, asked her for her name and when she said SpongeBob was funny, we talked about that. I wish I could have taken this little girl home, cleaned her up and put her under my wing. I don't know why I think these things. I'm just fascinated by children and their underlying zest for life. This little lady had a huge smile on her face, couldn't stop talking.. because I took a moment to listen to her. If I were a milionaire, I swear I'd stop doing what it is I'm doing, adopt and spoil. I have too much love to give.

Thank god I meet these weird customers at work. They make great material. Especially the homeless.

Pistachios of love.

Man those things are so rediculously good.

What was going to be a fun filled day of 'Word on the street' turned out to be an as thrilling afternoon down @ Kensington. Bought some interesting items including a 70s era bag for 5 bucks. BARGAIN!

I'm currently listening to the Mamas and the Papas, I don't think that album has been out of my player for days.

Phoebe's vagina-less and okay. My poor Kitty.

Heading out to a frat house tonight... sausage party! Hopefully I'll meet that special someone.. I'm in need that 'comedian boyfriend' I've been depriving myself of for years.

I will be stunning.
I will turn heads.
I will woe.
I will be witty.
I will be the woman in me.

I will be wasted.

Happy Birthday Goats- you're awesome! Have a pistache.

Kitchen Addition.

Nothing like watching Steve Coogan videos with an awesome friend + paint. Bye Bye Morgan, I'll miss you very much.

You know you go to comedy school when...

Your teacher farts.

My teacher, in stand up class yesterday told us to 'be quiet for a moment', took a stance and preceeded to fart. We all had a laugh and that's when I came to the realization that this year will be uneducating. I was warned by some previous students that second year lacked substance and today- I got my proof.

It was funny though, I laughed. It made my day. None of my teachers EVER farted back in highschool. Teachers who fart are cool.

Is it sad to say that I'm loving my job? I never knew I could be able to stoop down to that level. I have RESPONSIBILITY- and a whole lot of hours, I'm excited. Hopefully this year I'll be more prepared than the last.

I'm at the school lab for the first time this semester- the computer had me change my password again- and then it said, please do not use any of your 18 past passwords. I almost lost it, who can remember 18 and more passwords?? Geezus.

Knicky knicky nine doors.

Trickster
the imagination is.
trying to sneak into my
world of senseless realities.
Head up
lost in the clouds
I never look down.

Believer
am I.
Crazy and deranged?
Longing for the coloring
book of my life.
Feet grounded
I constantly dream.

Child-like
I become.
New to all surroundings
face to face
with my worst
fear.

Growing up.

Awkward
becomes the realization.
yet,
Head up, feet grounded
I still dream.

Cigarette Breath

If there's one thing in the world that turns me off, it's nicotine-reaking air. The smell of cigarettes disgusts me to a point that I can't even describe. And people who don't respect the laws of smoking on TTC property bug the shit out of me. You see, the nice innocent person inside me turns into some finger-pointing, insulting, bitch when it comes to this issue. I know this may sound harsh considering the fact that I have 3 smoking parents and was once a smoker myself... but people! This shit kills. The worst is those kind of smokers who are all cocky about it. Arg. It gets me angry to see these people throwing away their health...Why should I care you ask? Because I just so happen to know that I'm going to change the world one day.

We all are.

I sell shoes for a living.

Oh god- that sounds awful.

I got a promotion today... I am now a key 'holder', meaning I can sneak into Payless with my part-time lover for some risky fun- I, ahem... lock the store. This also consisted of a 50 cent raise. I moving up in the retail world people, watch out.

Got a gig @ Spirits on the 6th. I always remember October 6th as my childhood friend's birthday- Pat Plouffe, if you read this... I miss playing cops and robbers. I used to always incorporate some sort of damsel in distress for that game, I used to love to be saved from those cheap handcuffs. Awww, to be 7 again.

Hot like Wasabi-

K, I'm done with the sushi... but what I'm not done talking about is:

MY FRIEND DOMINIQUE.

Dominique, doms, do, doms (with a zee), do do bird, nica, neener, nini, Columbia, the dom-o-nator, dominique-nique-nique s'en allait tout simplement, D-day, Doo for brains...

Ahh, what's not to love about this great friend of mine?
I could go on again, but it's bed time and I've reached the nerd ranking for this eve.

This might happen to you if you don't feed my brain.

High. On Cre8tiviti.

I finally got the chance to paint out my 'brilliant' idea. Earlier on this summer, I found a metal frame for glasses on the street. I envisioned this whole abstract thing that actually came out better than I thought. Love it when that happens. There's actual pieces of glass glued to it- and I looked insane trying to break one of my candle pots out on the street. We all had a laugh at my stupidity. I added a rock, clouds, letters and some sparkle stuff and voila! MASTERPIECE.

BriLLIAnce!

Sushi for Mi

Morgan triggered me into getting some sushi for dinner tonight... and to my surprise- I loved it! Apart from the soup and salmon sushi roll, I'm good to go with that stuff. I was always so scared to taste it- well not anymore my friends, not anymore.

I had something I wanted to talk about in here today, I imagine it being some sort of a rant. The service @ William's pub maybe? The high-price of groceries? Annoying people on the bus who ask you to move your bags for a seat? Humid weather? I don't know I can't remember right now.

Mmmm, mushy banana bear paw.

Had a set @ yuk yuk's last night. Went pretty well- I'm contente... suprised my shower "observation" went down well though. All I can hear on my tape is Tindal laughing so hard. That must be a good thing. I've got the stand-up bite I think... not too sure if I'll try to make it my 'forte' but I'm definetly getting some major improvement.

You have to try those mushy banana bear paws.

I wish people would update their blogs regularly...I obsessively (well no, not really) check them periodically through the day. Come on people, feed my brain.

Phoebe's horny again. When are they going to make cat dildos?

Doo Doo Doo.

I'm sitting here bored as heck. So I stuck an old CD in the player. Hmmm, The Plain White T's (I bought their album when they opened for Jimmy Eat World @ Barrymore's in Ottawa, WAY BACK) haven't listened to them for a while. Oh yes... I remember loving the 'what if' tune.

What if nobody likes me
What if I don't suceed
What if I give it all that I've got
And I still don't got what they need.

it's a good song. Yeah, now that I'm listening to the rest of their album, it's probably their only good one.

Cd change.

Believe it or not, I just put in the B52's baby.
Sorry I've got to go and dance.

This could be good.

How to make a Chantale

Ingredients: 1 part pride 3 parts crazyiness 5 parts joy

Method: Combine in a tall glass half filled with crushed ice. Add wisdom to taste! Do not overindulge!

Want to be my part-time vegetarian?

You know you wanna.

Hehe, I went to the "Vegetarian Exibition" today, down at the Habourfront Center with Kat. It was really really interesting to see soooo many people eating weird, but good food. I got to try lots of Soy products (ice cream and milks) along with organic products and the so-called 'fake meat' they have out there. Best moment of the day: Corn on the barbeque with lime, butter and all these amazing spices.... yeah, you HAVE to try it. Yumm. I felt like I was homeless going around to all the exibitioners saying "Do you have any FREE samples ?" But good times all around had by all. I felt a little out of place because, well.. I'm not a vegetarian, nor a vegan... but at least I can say that I've tried all those neat things.

I felt like a terrible person when my brain thought of donating a slob of ground beef into those donation cans they had all over the place. I'm a bad person. Don't hate me Kat.. haha.

We biked all over the city on this BEAUTIFUL day. I skipped out on baseball and now I think I'm going to skimp out on the gathering tonight too, I'm just so tired!

Last night was pretty crazy, had a great party, lots of peeps and all... but I didn't get wasted, so I was like any host who doesn't drink... annoying with telling people to come inside with their drinks- ha. I just didn't have it in me yet to GIV'R to party, you know?

Okay, I'm off to bed folks.
Party on Wayne.

State of Happiness.

The first day of school has always been some sort of "super" day for me. You get to wear new clothes, bring your new stationary, look your best and really get into the organization of it all. I find myself in a beautiful state of mind right now. I'm back with the group of people that make me the happiest, at a campus that's just right for me and so far, enjoying the hell out of my classes.

I spent my labour day weekend back home in Ottawa, where I was sad to find out that it's not where my happiness is anymore. I honnestly just wanted to relax and spend time with my family, and I did... but part of me wanted to see everyone else too- so I went to a great party but I just had alot of trouble finding my place. People whom I've known since elementary school were there, and I hardly recognized them. I'm the kind of person who will keep in touch with anything I've ever spoken too. It was very hard to see some of them and have nothing whatsoever in common anymore. I think the problem with me is that I want to be friends with everyone... I know I'm that kind of person that anyone can get along with, yet sometimes it's hard to keep up the image. I detest those "How you been?" questions from people where they shouldn't even need to be asked. I like it when things are normal and not superficial. I like it when I can talk to my supposed friends without updating them on what's new. Does that sound odd? I mean it should just come out. Some of those people I'd rather not keep in touch with... but when you've known them for over 10 years, it shouldn't feel weird and awkward.

So I left the party early and enjoyed a cup of tea with people who warm my heart.

I'm back in Toronto where my heart belongs. Now if only I could find the prince to my ballerina- I'd be set.

Poor Phoebe.

My baby kitty is in heat and she desperately needs to get laid. It looks like it hurts alot. Poor Phoebe. I'm going to bring her to the vets tomorrow.

I just got back from one of my new jobs. I just so happened to get two this week. I'm working at this restaurant right around the corner from my place and Payless shoes. One is for the money, the other cheap feet dressings. hehe.

Three shows again tomorrow, the reviews have been great! It's such a great feeling to know that you've done a great job at something you want to do for the rest of your life. I don't know if I'll continue to go corporate, but this is definitely up my alley.

Happy Birthday Mr. St-Cyr. You're a year older, but to me- you're still in that purple Burger King uniform.

Yet another pointless entry, I know.

Back to life. Back to reality.

So September starts in two days.
Wow, that was a shitty, yet fast summer.
The 'wife' comes home today, I am complete again.
School begins shortly and I can't wait! I was thinking today, of how lucky I am to have met these incredible, talented people. I count my blessings to be a part of this group and can't believe that this is our last year together.
I come back to Ottawa for Labour Day weekend, that should be fun. Lots of rest and quality family time.

I'm feeling good, the show is going so great- I'm really proud of what we've done.
The ex boyfriend finally decided to come pick up his shit yesterday, after three false attempts. Boy, that was awkward. He managed to get a couple hugs out of me. EEeeee. Phoebe needs a boyfriend. I want baby kitties.

The end, the chapter closes on the not-so-hot summer of 2004. I wish I would of made milions of dollars, I wish I could have spent more time at home. I wish I could have seen different parts of the world and fallen hopelessly in love with my summer crush. I wish I didn't catch mono. None of these things happened and there's no one else to blame but me. I made these choices for one reason- they've helped me grow stronger as a person. There's a reason for everything and my destiny is still on the right track.

I needed to get in debt. I needed to soak up Toronto. I needed some time away. I needed to date and I needed to look after myself. All these things make me who I am today, August 30th 2004. Time flies.

God Bless David Talbot.

I used to think he was an uptight guy who liked things his way, but my perception of him has really changed over the past few weeks. He is a wonderful director, but most of all, a caring, kind man. It's so weird how you begin to think you might not like someone, then turn around and like them very much. Thank you for the support, the understanding, the hug... everything.

To those of you who haven't read my recent MSN name... I'm in LOVE with Regan Burns. Who is this mystery man you might ask? Well... he's the host of 'Oblivious' on Spike TV.. the 'gameshow you didn't even know you were on'. Yeah- That GUY. SO funny. Did you know that it plays for like an hour and a half each night @ 10. Great watchings before bed I tell ya.

Happy Birthday to mister Chapman today. To Morgan yesterday and to Eric very shortly. We're going to celebrate shortly! Wooo.

The mono thing is going pretty good I guess, as good as it can. I'm 'listening to my body', not drinking, sleeping pretty well- having AWESOME dreams. Wow, the best one I can remember from last night was : it was my sister's birthday and she had an auditorium of friends full to celebrate. The opening act was shitty and everyone was getting pretty bored, so she looked at me for the entertainment... I 'sick as I am now' in the dream, came out with this wicked costume and sang Happy Birthday to her, with this huge orchestra in the background. It was nuts, everyone was clapping insanely and I even made the papers!

Fucked up, I know...I had a couple other ones too. Dreaming can sometimes be better than sex I think... well.. no, maybe not.

I've been franticly asking the comedy peeps what their schedual is like. I can't wait to start school, this is probably my favourite time of the year... new books, new pencils, hehe- ok I'm not that excited. But for classes, I sure am. I'm apparently in the '01 class. That's no days off, early days and Stand-up on Mondays @ 10:50. It's going to be a wicked time. WOoooooooo.

The EX decided to call two days ago. Yeah... to come pick up his stuff YESTERDAY. WTF? How irresponsible can one single person be? I haven't talked to the guy in 4 months!AND he didn't even pick up his stuff! SO he decided to call today, appologize and momentarily announce that he's coming tomorrow. AWKWARD. Man o Man. Wish me luck.

Anyways, I'm off to shower then rehearse. Peace!

The kissing disease!

Lovely... after all those scary tests, turns out I've got the mono mono, got the mono mono! I'm so happy it isn't anything too serious. I shouldn't have kissed all those bad boys...

hehe. Going to nap- AGAIN.

QUIZ TIME!

Last good cry: Sunday night.
Last library book checked out: Probably something Judy Bloom.
Last movie seen: Teenagers From Outer Space
Last book read: Me Talk Pretty One Day by David Sedaris.
Last cuss word uttered: Tabarnack.
Last beverage drunk: H2O
Last food consumed: Chilli and boiled eggs
Last phone call: to Mom
Last TV shows watched: The Daily Show
Last time showered: This morning
Last shoes worn: Flip flops
Last CD played: Zero7- When it Falls.
Last item bought: Groceries
Last downloaded: Julie Andrews songs
Last annoyance: Arriving at the bank right when it closed.
Last disappointment: Thunder Storm tonight?!
Last thing writen: Things to do list
Last key used: Backspace
Last word spoken: Phoebe!
Last sleep: Tiny nap at Andy's today.
Last Instant message: Hey, you there?- to Brendan
Last sexual fantasy: Some weird dream last night...
Last ice cream eaten: So Good ice cream, last week.
Last time in love: Years ago.
Last time hugged: Last night
Last time scolded: These pass days with all those tests...
Last time resentful: Not really resentful at all..
Last chair sat in: The one I'm in right now.
Last lipstick used: Lip BALM, this morning.
Last underwear: Lime green.
Last bra worn: Black.
Last shirt worn: My favourite halter with the flower.
Last time dancing: This morning, while getting ready.
Last poster looked at: The one right beside my computer
Last show attended: Twelve34 @ Third Floor Reilly's on Saturday.
Last webpage visited: www.comedynetwork.ca (to check on odd job jack)


hehe, I ripped this off Kat's blog. Enjoy!

Facts of fear.

3 clinic visits
3 hospital 'emergency room' visits
18 hours waiting
8 nurses
5 doctors
5 hospital beds
8 blood samples
4 needles that didn't catch a vein
9 bruises
4 E.C.G's (electro cardio-grams)
7 blood pressure tests
5 heart rate monitors
2 urine samples
1 throat swab
1 deidimer test
1 CT scan of the thorax
1 ink injection for the veins
1 chest x-ray
1 leg ultrasound
101 dollars worth of medication.


I have never been this scared in my entire life. Three nights ago I was experiencing a pain in my abdominal region... it got more and more painful on Sunday evening so I went to get it checked out at the emergency because all other clinics were closed.

The hospital doesn't let you leave until you're completely checked out. And let me tell you that I take my hat off to all the nurses and doctors I've seen in the past 72 hours. I arrived there alone and started to worry the moment I stepped into that waiting room. It took forever to see someone about my little pain while I watched people rush in through stretchers far worse off then me. Did you know that OHIP now pays $350 per visit to the emergency room???

So what happened was they took all kinds of tests, thinking that I had a pulmonary embolism which is a blood clot on the lung. Turns out I don't have one, but I do have a high heart rate, blood pressure and white blood cell count. This all means that I could have a viral infection ( strep throat / mono...) I get the results tomorrow morning... I'm still a little nervous, but I'm happy it's no blood clot. A viral infection- I'll take anyday.

I have to say that I've prayed and I've talked myself through it and I appreciate everyone's given support, especially mommy. The worst feeling is being alone at the hospital without your mom telling you to 'calm down'. I'm a worry wart and I've got to stop. And I will.

There will be major changes in my lifestyle because of this scare.... I know the hospital wants to be absolutely sure about everything, but I went through emotional hell with all those tests. Way to make my fears reality. I hate hospitals... or should I say hated? I've gotten a little more accustomed to things... I kept asking about all the machinery and tests. Today the doctors were like "how do you know all this?"... hehe, I felt smart for a little bit. I talk when I'm nervous and heck, I exchanged some weird conversations with some of the sickest people there. We're all in those cubicals to get better. Health is so important and I kick myself now for lacking there of.

I will never again take this for granted, it's a serious issue that we should all take into our hands... regular check ups and yearly examinations. They're scary I know, but take it from the most nervous person and do it. It's such a priviledge to be living in such a wonderful world, surrounded by all who love you.

Sorry to have gotten all 'emotional' on your ass. Hehe, I'm back to my better self, I think... or I'm in the process of healing. I feel much better and must get to bed to head to work in the morning.

Apart from that stir fry, I'm having a great time. I can't wait until things get back to normal.

I love you. Thank you for listening.

YES! Playdoh.

A GHOST!

Aww man, I absolutely love cabin fever. Everything we said today was hysterical! It's wicked to be 'working at a friends house' and getting paid for it. GOOD TIMES.

I have lots to say but I'm very tired. So here's the sum-up of things.

No call back.
Spirits tonight = great!
Cabaret tomorrow night= Hot mister Ryan Horwood. When will I ever get the courage?
Twelve34 on Saturday- you guys better come or I'll bite you on the shoulder.
I feel like I have huge balls in my throat! (soar as hell)
Bought 3 new cd's today: Air and 2 Zero 7 compilations. BRILLIANT!
I miss summer camp. Always.

Merci Cactus :)
End scene. Time to dream.

Guess what?

Miracle whip sucks.
And I hate loud motorcycles.

BLAH BLAH BLAH.

The audition went well, they'll be doing the callbacks either tonight or tomorrow... so we'll see.

I'm off to bed, it's been a really long day :) G'night.

Re-occuring seals?

Hundreds of seals just popped into the last dream I was having... Woah. The crack can't still be in me? Can it?

I think we should all learn from our dreams. I know I should. I couldn't sleep last night because I had this re-occuring thing happen to me. It's a sleeping pattern that I get into and don't get out of until I wake up. On one side of my body, I'm strongly oppinionated, and on the other, not so much. So depending on which side I'm on, in my dream (whether it be while I'm serving a customer or arguying with guy (b), I've got a different point of view. Now... you might think this must be cool. OH NO...because in my dreams, I never make up my god damn decision, get fet up, turn around on my other side and start all over again. I got so upset with my dream last night- that I remember saying "WOULD YOU STOP DREAMING LIKE THIS" outloud. I believe that is when I got a solid two hours in me.

So I took yet another 'nap' tonight, and this time in my dream I was on a secret interview chase. This lady was interviewing me for this stupid job....then I passed some secret test which made me go on this hunt or something, through different rooms - in different situations. She was mentioning that now I was at a 'better job' position. Then we went outside, she ran into her parents and left me. That's when I looked over at the river and saw hundreds of seals.

I tried to see what the definition of all this was- but they all say different things. One said it meant people were jealous, then the other said great things will be happening.

I hope it's # 2. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

I went down to Kensington Market today to sell some Ear Candy... it went great! Tons of people there on Sundays, wow... unbelievable. I hope to go again next week- maybe hit a better spot... at one point there was this band that started playing across the street from me, so of course, the best place to stand and dance was right in front of my booth. Stupid pedestrians. hehe.

I'm nervous for my audition, but oddly more so to see what I've got waiting for me in the classroom. Until then, I must get some shut eye people. You should too- it's SUNDAY for Christs sake.

oh-oh, will I go to hell for that last comment?

It's like 10 000 spoons, when all you need is a knife...

-It's meeting the man of my dreams, and then meeting his BEAUTIFUL wife...

Isn't it ironic?

That guy (b) just so happened to park his bike near the Laugh Resort tonight? And after those numerous 'let's have a session' phone calls last night, we were back down to 'square one'?

As shocked as I was, I kept my cool. He was looking so good. I refrained from the sexual inuendoes and flirted my way through with 'we're just friends' conversation... I could tell he was a little hurt by me not picking up the phone, or returning his calls... could he tell that I wasn't interested? Heck, I probably couldn't even tell if I was. I'm such a god damn attention-wanter when it comes to boys like guy (b). I thought all of this was over... but no, he's found my hide-out, I'm still prey and should I feel bad for still thinking he's attractive? No. I'll always think that. I just have to control myself and never call this guy- but folks, it's driving me wild.

Work was alright. I was so bored today and couldn't spend any money ... so I basically slept. Funny... now I'm still tired. I think I've gotten into the habit of napping like a mo'fo. This could be a bad thing. I'll finally be getting a set at the LR pretty soon, mind you my lazy ass hasn't ever called...but after working there, you'd think it'd be only logic. I saw Jay Malone perform for the first time tonight, things are going to be happening big for this kid. Look out for him. The crowd was also graced with the presence of Fraser Young- always a DEElight. He made up a funny word tonight- the sentence was... "I pedestriated over to the place..." I'ma start using that I think.

During my washroom 'break', I thought up some new material... I always use the handicap stall in the women's washroom, but the other day- my friend told me I should use a regular one, out of respect... just incase. Incase what? A lady in a wheelchair happens to be in line waiting to urinate?? NEVER, in my entire existance, have I encountered a fat, yeah let's make her fat... a fat lady in a wheelchair waiting in line to pee. Is it just me? Don't they have one of those porty potty things attached to those things anyways?...

hehe needs elaboration- but it could work.

I've also got the telephone rant that I want to explore with, especially with the mic. Don't you hate it when your friend tells you to wait because they're going to the washroom, BUT they're taking you with them? And WHY is it that they ALWAYS have to verbalize what's 'happening'... you, you hear that? I'm PEEING, sorry, don't mind me. (giggle) And then they sort of block of the microphone of the phone and STILL say it. You might not be able to hear the actions, but it's CLEAR because they've stated where they were going in the first place. Or the friends that say 'hold on a sec.... MAAARRKK, PHONES FOR YOU!!!!!!" These people don't know when to block the speaker when they need to.

Woah, sorry about that. I didn't really want to go all into it. There's more where that came from tbough ;-).

I wrote a song during work tonight, it's kind of cheesy... I still need to touch it up a bit and then maybe I'll post it up on here- it's entitled "In My Shoes". I was singing the lyrics out loud at one point and got a little emotional (stoopid pms) and started to get watery eyes... Oh god there was this one guy tonight I wanted to hit. Well... at least pinch. I was all shouting my speach " Great show tonight folks, come check it out...Fraser Young, ya da ya da ya da..." And this idiot yells out- "I'm funnier than that guy". I just wanted to be like "YEAH? ... we..well... YOU'RE not at the Laugh Resort, now are you?"- but I didn't, simply because that comment is semi-gay and I wouldn't have seemed cool. BUT, I did give him a major look. LOOKS KILL PEOPLE.

hehe ATTACK OF THE LOOKS. Coming soon to theatre- fucking eyes all over the place and shiiiiit. WOah. I'm on crack. Goodnight.

Come visit me tomorrow in the Kensington where I'll be selling myself (and earrings) while I write a moderation parody to some Julie Andrews tunes. No joke.

Good times.

Had a great time tonight, with the 'date' and all :) I, Robot was the choice of flick and I LOVED it. We'll see what's going to happen next ....

I want a robot now though, I really do.

I got a little scared when I came home... I got a message from guy (B). He actually called yesterday- I just tried to erase it from my memory. But then he called again tonight, claiming to be in my neighbourhood. What do I do? Do I call him back? No... I won't, not tonight. And when I do talk to him... what do I say? I have no idea. All I wanted to do was just clear my mind free of everything Badali.

I guess that won't happen now will it?

Another message was from Blockbuster- I have an interview next week. Could this be my September job? Morgan will never talk to me again... I'll never here the end of it I'm sure. Will I be a BLOCKBUSTER WHORE? Tune in next week to find out.

For now, guitar time!

An audition? For TV? Me?

I just checked my messages and apparently I have an audition on Monday morning for this new improvised television show. They got my number from Bruce Hunter... I played a gig with Bruce a while back in December for the Fast & Dirty CD release party... but I don't recall talking to him, let alone giving him my number...wow, I'm a little overwhelmed. It all sounds too unreal. Of course, this could always be an underlying way to cover up the reality show they want to do with school? I don't know and it's freaking me out. Last time I auditioned with improv was for Wonderland... and we all know how that went. I was kick ass- but not what they were looking for.

I'm gonna go for this thing for sure... but my only worry is that 'work' starts at 10am, the time of my audition. I've been sick already yesterday and today... I'm not too sure I can afford to miss another hour.

I've got a date tonight :) with this great guy I recently met, hopefully it will go well- I'm not worried...the worst that could happen is that him and I become good friends. And who isn't up for another friend?

I'm freaking out now. I'm wondering if everyone else has this audition... and Bruce Hunter, when did he get my number? When has he seen me do improv??? One things' for sure... too many things are happening at the same time! ARG! Will I be able to survive, with this STUPID head VIRUS?

Yeah. It's not gone. But I can feel it getting away. Thank god. Ok, time to pamper my sick self.

Advil. I think I love you.

"If we listen to each other's heart, we'll find them never too far apart, and maybe love is the reason why, for the first time ever, we're seeing it EYE 2 EYE!"

First person to comment the name of the movie that this song is from wins... my respect.

I just woke up AGAIN.

I went to the clinic yesterday in the midst of rehearsals, feeling like shit. It was the same fever/headache I had earlier in the week. Now since school is in the Etobicoke ghetto known as Lakeshore blvd... I was a little scared to go to a clinic there... but the doctor was the nicest one I've ever met. He walked like a turtle. He knew what I had and that made me like him more. It's a "virus"... in my head? I have a head virus. It sounds like I need surgery! Oh but no.. plenty of sleep, advil and fluids. The same remedy my mom would have told me.

I spoke to my mom last night and just bawled. I hadn't cried in such a long time... I've been a little sad, depressed maybe- but mostly missing my family. They were supposed to come and visit next week but they manage to convince me to come home for a weekend (the labor day one). I think we spoke for an hour about everything, and I'm a little ball of emotion when I speak to my mom. She knows me too well.

I need to get out of my room. I need to go do some things outside and get some fresh air maybe, but before I leave for a bit I want to take this opportunity to wish a HAPPY BIRTHDAY to MIREILLE, MATHIEU and ANNE-MARIE back home.

I know, they all share the same birthday. I wish I was back home to celebrate ( heard there was a couple parties going down ;-)

See you in a bit.

Oh the sweet smell of Kipling....

Today was my first day on the 'real job'... I forgot how brutal it was for me to wake up before 9 am. I just can't do it... I found myself wanting a nap after lunch. I went from the luxurity of doing whatever the hell I want to a strict 10-6 schedual. I shouldn't complain, money is involved here and it's incredible experience. We've managed to massacre the old 'cheese ball' of a script and turn it into a mini sketch show, which should be interesting none the less. But things could change from day to day. I was very cranky near the end of the day because I wanted my sleep. When I don't get my sleep, this baby doesn't want to do anything else.

It was touching to take the westbound subway again... I fell right back into the habit of reading the metro newspapers, having my chocolate moo and then just zoning out on the 44. Seeing my friends again was probably the best part. We're technically starting school a month before everyone else... and I don't think I would have a problem intergrating into a new class this year, but I remember last year, it took me a long time to open up (find where my place was)... It gives me a head start, plus the opportunity to write and perform with some of the other students I was a little intimidated by.

Apart from that, no more Olsen twin dreams... better ones this time, involving actual men- or maybe one in particular ;-)

Ear Candy went pretty well on Monday, got lots of compliments, but most of the cool people weren't out. They'll be there next Sunday and so will we. PROFIT PROFIT PROFIT! I'm pretty boring today. Sorry for the effortless entry.

Shut up.

Huh?

I had a really weird dream a couple hours ago...

I was at one of Humber's numerous sketch shows and for some reason Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen were there to accept a special award. I later ran into them and tried to talk as if they weren't celebrities- basically tried to be cool. I used the line "I watched you girls grow up on television" i think... Then all of a sudden we found ourselves at an old improv tournament, fighting over where to sleep in the gym. They were bitches...

Why the hell would I dream of that?

Sleep. Breathe. Sleep.

I woke up at 11am.
Then 1pm.
Then 1:34pm.
Then 2pm.
And finally... my sick ass got up at 3pm.

I was shivering like crazy and googled the words: " how to take care of a fever "... seriously. Then after reading what was for children, I searched again for " how to get rid of an ADULT fever "...

hey, I was all disorientated. 14 hours of sleep just made me want to sleep more!

I had my mom's remedy in mind- a sponge bath... hehe it sounds disgusting I know (old people, wrinkles, dirty dirty) but it actually made me feel at least 40% better. I walked over to the pharmacy and got myself some drugs and then folks... 60% better! I'm going to the clinic tomorrow... things like this don't persist for 3 days...

The phone rang this afternoon... several times- I never picked it up in fear that they figured out I was a "no-show" at work... but it was my last shift, they knew it was coming. I called in sick at the Laugh Resort... shouldn't have, really needed that money- but I was in utter most pain. GUESS WHO called? My ex. Yep... he's ALIVE! I haven't heard from him in 3 months and he decides to leave me a god damn appologetic message. I have no pitty for you mister. Oh god, it will be so awkward when we talk... and I know I'll be SO FUCKING NICE. Why am I like this?

Last night was amazing (again) with the doo wops... They are incredibly talented, and probably the first headliners I've promoted that people have actually responded too... like "Hey I know them!" "They're so funny!" I was blessed to be able to chit chat with the both of them, as well as a couple more highly important people. You just have the mads hook up with this job. I ran into Nikki Payne in the streets too, she actually remembered me. COOL! PLUS I happened to bump corners with Paul Constable and Naomi Snieckus (Second City)... hehe I slowly put down my flyers and got on my knees... it was so casual! They're awesome... are we friends? Dinner at my place on Tuesday? (no?...)

Tomorrow I plan on going to the Kensington Market to sell some Ear Candy... don't forget, if you have special requests for custom made earrings email us! The coolest duds in town I tell ya.

Apart from that, just going to take it easy, rest my head... play some sketch and try to master 'Lodestar' on the GUItar... maybe I'll look at some world issues or think of things that bother me so that I can rant about it in my BLOG. Because apparently, what I do now, isn't appropriate for a certain someone out there. Because of you ... people have to now register to comment :(. Sorry guys. (ask me to become a member!)

I'm hurt.

To whomever commented on my last entry... mister or misses annonymous:

Dear _________:
Is that what you do? Go around finding "useless blogs" and bash them to the fullest extent? I don't care if I don't have a point to talk about. If you're THAT bothered by my uselessness, then stop fucking reading it. Who are you to judge what creativity exactly is? And oops, I'm sorry I'm not following the definitions of a 'blog'- so what! I have a feeling I know who you are... and no I will not be deleting any of my 'stupid' blogs, for you or for anyone. Fuck you for offering me a $100. You're a senseless human being. Let other people live for christ sake or at least go bother someone else. You've obviously got time to waste on your hands and I'm sorry to hear that. And don't you dare wish me good luck with my endeavors..it's people like you who will stop me from getting there.

I would like you to know that I'm very hurt by your comment(s)-you seem like more of an asshole to have to appologize for hitting the button twice.

For your viewing pleasure...

Asshole Haircut!

Woah... I'm watching an old re-run of CITY PULSE from like '78... Dini Petty used to be an anchorwoman! Cool... somehow, that made me a little happier. There's an old school report on the wedding of Prince Charles and Princess Diana. I'm TRIPPIN' out. haha no.

Today was rempli with lots and lots of things.

Joe stopped by for a neat little visit :)
I promoted the show like crazy in the Annexe.
Biked.
I applied to other places to get my sorry ass a job...
Worked at the Laugh Resort (thank god there's SOME income this week)
Biked like a mo' fo'.
Finally got the dishes done.
Groceries...

Little things like this keep me busy and sane. It's awfully lonely here.

If you haven't checked out the comedy stylings of The Doo Wops... I urge you to do so. They're headlining at the LR this weekend and FUCKING ROCK. Ryan Belleville made my nipples errect too, man o man.

Bonne nuit.

But first, try a quick game of SKETCH!

Ear Candy = lucious duds for your lobes.

My friend Kat and I started a company today... it was the most spontaneous thing I've ever done. In a matter of minutes, we had business cards and an email to the name of EAR CANDY. I introduce to you, an open table full of custom made earrings. Kensington market, here we come! It was so exciting to go shop in the hidden bead stores of Queen street, only to find a HUGE sale! It made my day- an overdose of beads, a total of 45 pairs made... ugh- I'm set for bedtime yo.

I started out by contacting some restaurants for sponsorship, but got a little distracted by the beautiful weather and biked, biked, biked! Tomorrow is only Thursday- I've got plenty of time.. hehe but I know that sooner or later, it'll come down to me selling zip. Bah! Earrings will be bringing in the income this month, sistas.

I did my set at Spirits tonight... I have to say it was my best out of 3 there (even if I used most of the same material as my second...) Nikki Payne was there and told me it went great, she also complimented me on my boom box. I'm telling you, that thing is gold. I was more than proud of tonight's performance- I was able, without much practice, to go up there and GIV'R, true comedian style.

I also bought a Capo today.. I've been messing around with the guitar :) Things are sounding pretty neat, just about wrote my first song. WOOT!

All in all, I had a wonderful day and I'm sad to see this one go. But tomorrow awaits... fuck it's so late.

Excuse me while I have a little ego juice...

Tonight was AWESOME.
Nevermind... TODAY was awesome.

Check up here later boys. I've got some earrings to make.

For only 34 cents a day...

I went out today for approx. an hour, looking to get sponsored. A couple seemed interested, but that may be only because they couldn't speak a word of English. Tomorrow, I'll try again, perhaps earlier in the day? God I'm lazy, can someone please slap me with a caffeine stick?

I'll have one of these...

Is it possible to obsess over the smell of your hair? Today, if I could have chosen, I would have wanted to be uncle IT.

I've been underproductive. That might not be a word, but to me it's today's motivation. I sat on my ass until 2, had a meeting at 2:30, came back home for 3, called in sick for work and am still sitting on my ass right now. That's crap! I hate these kind of days but you know you need them once in a while. It's not that I'm depressed or need to be alone... I just need to think things through and make sure I start off new come September. I am a much better person than what this past month has made me seem like.

I quit my job this past week, making this week my last one there ( the rumour palace). I got rid of every shift possible. This might seem like a "run away" plan but it's got more strategy to it than that. Let me explain what has happened since episode 1...

It has made me feel like I'm being played with, in more than just the litteral sense. I hosted a party this past Friday and invited whomever wanted to come. It was a wonderful, small turn out, but some guests should have stayed home. Shall I refresh your memory with guys A & B? Apparently on a count of "how bad I wanted him", guy (B) made an appearance.  I was having an awesome time with some non-work related friends when he walked through my door. At this point, I was excited to see what was on the other side of the fence (thinking guy (A) and I were completely over...) I proceeded to give guy (B)  a tour of my place. I inevitably stopped by Sarah and I's joke of a "makeout room", formerly my roomates. Guy (B) took this opportunity to close the door to "7 minutes in heaven" and kiss me. I was in shock. We started talking about the attraction that was obviously still there between us.. and kissed some more. It felt great, passionate and I wanted more.

Now there was another guest of mine who's intentions, I'm sure, were obvious from the start. She kept on telling me how much of a player and desperate for sex guy (B) was. With her "much love" for him, I felt like I should back off... there was something there I didn't want to mess with. I'm not the kind of friend who plays with another friends' garbage. "There is nothing between us"... yeah, right- you just don't want me moving in on "your" guy. I get it.

Was it bad of me to think, fuck that- I still want to have relations with this guy? No, I don't think so. But more and more throughout the night, she kept discouraging me and putting him up on a pedistle when it came to their relationship... so I came to the conclusion that I would indeed, back off. I'm still attracted to this guy, I just need to draw the line.

I'm getting to the worst part of it now... I was ticked off at guy (A) right? So, when he called to say that he was on his way, I wanted guy (B) to stay...  I called guy (A) back and told him to turn his cab around (let's not forget I was WAY wasted.) And I could tell he was pissed off about my comment... I mean, who wouldn't- I don't think I've ever been THAT mean to anyone, EVER. Well anyways, guy (B) stayed some more, we talked about our numbers we'd soon be dialing and he left thinking we were soon to do the deed. To think of it now, I totally lead him on. GOD that was fun!

The party died down and I was a little confused about the whole situation so the girls and I talked it through... until 4:30 am when guy (A) decided to call. My emotions were all over the place and I appologized about my command profusely... We talked about our supposed 'relationship' , where we stand and it was good.  He didn't even get that mad when I told him everything was because of guy (B)...We talked for maybe 30 minutes, I'm not too sure if he was drunk or not- probably so.

He was even more wasted when he called me at 6:30am, claiming to be at a nearby internet cafe checking his emails... WHO DOES THAT AT 6:30 IN THE MORNING??? PISSED DRUNK!? He stumbled over to my apartment, lay down on my entrance floor, pat Phoebe until she meowed so much it hurt... then called a cab and went home. Now that was fucked up! I've had this on my mind since Friday... I don't know what to make out of it... but I DO know that I don't want to persue anything with either of these guys... too much restaurant drama for me. I'm in need of a much more better guy- whom in turn, will benefit from my sanity also.

So I'm not showing up at work....simply because I am the better person. I will move on and be successful, and this little 'triangle' will not have affected me whatsoever. I will not keep a grudge against anyone, but I will put down my past workplace. People knew more about me, than I did... and that, my friend, is wrong. Rumours hurt, and I've got dreams to fufill.

The episode is over, I hope... and I thank you for listening to it.  I just needed to get this off my chest, once and for all, and down on 'paper' for a possible chapter in the book of my life. I swear I'm going to write one.

I'm currently watching/listening to the Joe Shmoe show... JONOVISION is on it as the "got-to-be-gay" guy... it's hilarious! I've been watching tv since 6pm, like a real reality whore. Trading Spouces, For Love of Money, Oblivious, In a Fix, ... god there's something about a one hour show that keeps you hooked so much, the time flies by so fast! I came across this  commercial for Mars cookie bars, I think it was... it's this little kid who is unwraping the bars and putting them into his lunch box while the wrappers of the treat fall on top of the dog lying on the floor. That was a long sentence... anyways, there is this tiny tiny, fine print at the bottom of the screen that reads " DO NOT FEED CHOCOLATE TO DOGS". I couldn't help but laugh out loud. Children, who will be too young to read, will be the ones doing so... the older ones already know that. I could be wrong, but everyone knows that chocolate can kill an animal.. right?

I must have made 10 new pairs of earrings tonight...I'm bound to sell them sometime this week on the ever-so-busy streets of Toronto. That is if I'm not too busy promotting/selling this show I'm working for... This week, I need to find some sponsors for a one-woman show that I'm helping (thanks Lara) and it all seemed easy, but I think it's going to take alot of work. Ah well, I'm jobless anyhow, so making money might as well occupy my time. I also need to find myself a new job for September... I'm glad I'm going through this faze, I need to "spring clean" my brain out for the upcoming challenges that school will bring. Man I miss it so much.

In the meantime, don't worry about me, I'm still smiling. YAH YAH YAH.

BLOG BLOG BLOG

I have so much to say. So much to sort out. So many days to tell you all about. I feel lost. I feel empty. I need to write.  I need to let out some anger, some thoughts. Here, I know you'll listen. But for now, I must go watch tv, or walk around my apartment. Maybe rent a movie, but mostly entertain. My brain lacks sleep. Patience will lead to the story of my life.

Everyone Loves Marineland.

 
Aww, I just finished watching an old re-run Christmas episode of Home Improvement. The one where Tim puts up a bunch of cool stuff on their roof... AND I was eating Teddy Grahams- talk about old school! I was totally brought up on that show, man... thanks Fern. I just now realized how great it was, you appreciate so little when you're young. Lots happened today, but I'm extremely lazy and sleepy- so I'm going to listen to those feelings and head off to bed. Besides, I fell asleep at 5am yesterday and I'm suffering!

Do your boogers ever look like bugs?

 
I'm saying this cause I just picked my nose.
 
Oh shut up! Everyone does it! This one booger looked like a bug though. I was all like " did I breathe in a fly?" Negative, it's just dust... the taste proved it! KIDDING. I don't digest my art, voyons!
 
So I've been surfing the internet for quite some time now (approx. 2 & 1/2 hours) and all I've been doing is fixing up my endless profiles over the internet. What is my obsession with this? And why do I want all my friends to do the same? To make the internet an adventure... it's the best way to keep in touch with all these people and to find out what's going on in their lives. Hells, I'm too lazy with phone calls lately, so this is my support system. And it's always a booster for the ego when others enjoy you're "lifestyle".
 
I hate talking about work on this thing, but here's a quicky... I didn't talk to guy (A) at all! I pretended like nothing was and he got annoyed at one point and said "Hello" to me in a sarcastic tone. Could that be anymore of a turn off? Don't think so. I'm so disgusted with him right now- I need a rebound.
 
And now, it's time for...
 

 - A MOMENT IN THE SUBWAY STATION-

 
I was all gross and stinky from work waiting at the St George station for my train when all of a sudden, I see this overly happy family run out of the train I just missed. In my semi-angry tone, I let out a "Shit." Thinking all the things I always think when this happens to me like: why didn't I run? Or who decided that the escalator was going to be out of order today? did they ask me to do so? Then, I heard giggles and laughter- a sound that automatically catches my attention. I moved away from the immigrant (respect) to my left and walked towards the happiness... The entire family was then obstructed by the downwards escalator. The dad looked over to the son and said, "I'll race ya". The kid had the biggest smile on his face and infact, so did I upon hearing that. I watched them both race up the escalator. The dad slowly lost... but it warmed my heart to see such joy in a family taking on the small risk of racing up a downwards escalator. Surely there was upset people taking the stairs, but I smiled and laughed along with them as they reached the top. The end.
 
I don't care if you didn't like that story. I did.
 
There is a skunk outside my window. What the HELL do I do? Why is there a skunk in the backyard of my downtown Toronto apartment??? Fucking skunks. Are female skunk, skanks?

Dream a little dream.

I had a fucked up dream this morning, in the midst of several wake-ups. I was on a field trip with people from school (8th grade) and we were on our way to a theme park. We of course, had to be paired up into twos- but were allowed to venture anywhere into the park. I seemed to have lost my partner through my six-year-old excitement and explored on the outskirts of the park all by myself. I ended up on an island where there was this big beach house. In this beach house was an indoor pool with lifeguards. Guy (A) was one of them- AH! Can't I get him out of my head already??... There was this competition going on in the pool with boards, people and waves... some sort of race. One of the competitors spotted me out and asked me to be his partner, I replied that I had never played that sport before- he then took my hand and said "trust me" -just like in Casper! Anyways,  guy (A) spotted me and was like WTF. I don't remember what happened there (would have been useful) but I do remember what happened afterwards. I forgot we had to meet the group back at the park for a certain hour. I ran away and panicked, called the hotel and told them I'd find my own way back. When I got to the hotel, no one was there, so I found out which restaurant they went too, and made my way there- casually late.
 
Now, I woke up after that, but fell back asleep where I went back into that same dream- I love those kinds because you can finish the stories... However, I don't remember what happened in the next one.
 
I don't really need to analyze this one, and doing so just drains the imagination out of dreams. This one seemed so realistic though. Kind of like the kind you need to pinch yourself to believe.
 
Well today's another day. Laundry, cleaning and bills to pay. Ah yes, and that dumb job too.